Let’s begin with disclaimer I am no poster child. As a fulltime working mom and as a President and CEO of a mental health agency by trade, I am fascinated by this topic. I would love to sit here and tell you I have this all figured out, but I continue to work on this and have since the day my first child was born. I am happy to share with you a few learnings along the way.
First a bit about me. I am Mary Monnat grad ’80 American Studies. Concentration in literature and communication. After I left ND I did what any respectable liberal arts student would do… applied to and was accepted to law school. But even as I did so there was a tug at my heart, I followed my heart to the Holy Cross Associates program in Portland. Law schools gave me deferrals, but during course of year I listened to my heart and chose a different path. To make a long story short. Working intensely with skidrow alcoholics in a counseling center I witnessed profound joy and healing. I was called. This led to grad school and a Masters in Human Development.
I met my husband working in social service and as we decided to marry felt it was important to diversify income. Two salaries dependent on a shaky non-profit at the time was not a wise move. I was hired out in the suburbs, away from skidrow as a therapist in a mental health center. 18 years later I am still there and now the CEO. During that first year I was off the stress scale, off the charts. New job, finishing grad school, getting married, bought a house and got a dog. Within six months, moved into management. How I ever managed I will never know. During all this time there was never a doubt I wanted to have kids… then fertility issues. After 18 months began to get very worried. First hurdle-- is my stress at work causing the delay? Turned to other working women-- we all batted this around. Who knows, probably age more than anything else, just stressing out over it caused more stress. Spiral. People told me to relax, no way! Not a good response to a woman consumed with this issue. Support from other women was key. Eventually after 2 years, pregnant with lst child. Next hurdle… How to manage work and motherhood. By now had worked as a manager up the chain, coordinator to program director and then just before the birth of my lst child I was made Service Director. High rank within the organization. I used to say there was no choice but for me to work with our family dependent on 2 social service incomes. Even as program manager, I was making less than most of my ND peers made when they started at CPA firms. Still there was a choice. My work was my passion, so much happening, creating programs for women, and children and now my own was on the way. I did have a choice, to stay home meant significant sacrifice, no catholic school , something Steve and I value highly, we’d have to sell house and get apartment and it meant giving up a major passion. My career. I found I could not give up one for the other. This was my choice to try and give them both my all. Again I am forever grateful to several mentors who blazed the trail for me. I took a deep breath and began the next hurdle. What to do about my maternity leave. You may wonder how motherhood affected my career. When the CEO learned of my pregnancy he congratulated me and then said… are you coming back? This was not a question he was supposed to ask. My choice. Luckily my work was very flexible. I decided to be off for 6wks. then go part time for several months. I was really lucky, an easy pregnancy, no illness. Arranged once Emma was born to bring her in to the office on Thursdays, all my supervision sessions and meetings, gave me more bonding time with Emma. I was then off on Fridays and worked four ten hour days. Work was very FLEXIBLE. I was too. Day after Emma was born I got a call in hospital from CEO. He brought grant by the house. I can still point to two programs-- our youth addictions program and our women’s intensive services program—that I consider my babies too. Both grants I wrote on my maternity leave. Nursing and at the computer. Back to pregnancy. There is a reason we have 9 months. To deal with the DENIAL. Next hurdle-- Finding Childcare. In looking back and even still finding the right match for child care was critical. 3x a charm. I went through three providers who all quit within Emma’s first six months. One got pregnant, the other was in very bad health, and the last quit via a letter in my diaper bag on Friday asking that I not bring her back on MONDAY! Panic. Then God. Via ND alum. I found Rena. All wrong too many kids no formal program… She loved my daughter and e loved her. She also brought cultural diversity into my children’s lives. Something we all value highly. Being at work was stimulating. When I would get home after a long day I found the kids were really ready to have time with Steve and I. One drawback, our kids stayed up later to adjust to our schedules. It was great but I was often really tired. Needed support. I have a great husband. Equal partner. God Bless him. Still challenges and questions. How to do it better? Began working mom’s lunch at work. Men asked to join. We said fine, but they had to have a note from their wives. Again support of other women. It was reassuring to know that your kid will fall off the changing table. And when it happens to know that you are not a bad parent. Support from other women too who were home. Not all roses. We must stand together and support one another’s choices as women. My friend Barb, a work at home mom, took care of Luke for me one day when I had an emergency meeting. When I drove Luke up to her house he asked, “Mom, what’s the matter with Barb? Can’t she get a job?” It hit me, Luke and Emma have always only known women who work, all their friends in daycare—their moms work too. We had to talk about the vital role all women play in our community and how important it is that we all pull together and respect and honor each others choices and circumstances. My good friend felt she had an ideal situation. She was half- time career, working Tuesday through Thursday, but she had to trade off some of her passion. In the end everyone must choose what is right for them. Wrestle and struggle with it. Be open. Years ago, I had the pleasure of driving the author of a, then, soon to be released, major longitudinal study on childcare to the airport after she presented to one of our programs. On the way to airport, I took a deep breath and ventured to ask. “So what did you find out?” She reassuredly turned to me and said, it is pretty straight forward. If the woman is at peace with her choice, no matter what it is-- both the mom and the children do well. Where there was discomfort, neither mom nor children did as well. On a good day, I am fine with my choice, but on a tough day with a long evening meeting I still have pangs. It is reassuring to know that most of my friends with full-time careers feel the same way. Are we doing right by our kids? My friends who choose to stay home wonder if their kids will respect their choice if they are good role models. I say it all works if we stay true to our heart and do not judge others. Remember too, for most women this is not a choice. They are the single bread- winner raising kids doing the best they can. We must fight for these working families and women on welfare so their kids have the highest quality childcare available. It is our future. Over the years my kids have gained immensely from my career. They are aware of homelessness and mental health issues. They write papers on racism and feminism. Now that I am CEO they have taken a keen interest in whether or not I fire anyone on a particular day. I keep telling them my goal is to NOT have to fire anyone on any particular day. I teach them about what subtle biases women in careers or women at home may face. For instance, in the process of being selected for CEO, a woman board member asked me, “how can you do this to your kids?” Would they ask a man that? I have now been CEO for 3 years. I am fiercely committed to helping those families we work with have access to quality childcare and early childhood development services. Our agency is child centered. The good news is that more and more companies according to the Harvard Business Journal are adopting family-friendly policies. We are affecting the culture for men too. More flexible hours to go to kids games and conferences. Or for single people to just take some time off and volunteer in the community. My kids are now 13 and 11. Home after school is another hurdle. It is dangerous out there. I needed to find a healthy way to spend more time with my daughter after school. So guess who is the assistant soccer coach. Poor Emma, her friends think I am a psychiatrist. I think I need a psychiatrist after working with 16 teenage girls. I love it! Don’t be fooled. I by no means pretend to have this all down. I am not Super woman and certainly not Martha Stewart. I don’t know how to cook or sew. I can write a mean grant though thanks to all my American Studies classes and the papers due every day. My house is an absolute mess. We can afford a house keeper, but I can’t have one as it is too much to clean before they clean. I feel truly blessed to have the career and family I do. It is not perfect. I think some days neither get the full attention they deserve. A dear friend and colleague reminds me. That her kids asked her to go back to work when she was home more. My kids give me balance. The work day ends and I am theirs. Front and center. Torn to come here. Always choices, always support one another and remember too some choose not to be parents or they are not able to conceive or adopt. Others remain single. We have to reach out and embrace all choices and life circumstances. I do believe we are all doing the best we can. In summary: Lessons learned #1) follow your heart. #2) seek support from other women (and men) #3) respect and support one another’s choices and or circumstances #4) be careful you never know where those barbie doll shoes will turn up next.