A Trip to the Haunted
House, Tonight at Eleven (Indianapolis
Star 10/18/06)
It’s been three decades or so.
I remember sheepishly walking up to the dilapidated, weeds-over-the-windows
Locust Street School. Condemned as an elementary school years prior,
it served well as the neighborhood Haunted House back in the early 1970s.
But I hated it. The Haunted House, that is. I‘ve never
seen much entertainment value in random fear. Still, as a rite of peer
pressure passage, I ran the gauntlet of ghosts, goblins, ghouls, and
gore.…and swore I’d never go again.
And I didn’t.
Until thirty years later, when my own first grader asked, “Dad,
can I go to the Haunted House? Everybody’s goin’.”
But Joel, you don’t really…..
So there I was, on opening night of Haunted House season, driving in
a misty rain, with my wide-eyed seven-year old in the back seat. But
as I pulled up to the front door, this clearly wasn’t another close-to-collapsing
Locust Street School.
No. This was the local TV news station. Yes, the NBC affiliate in town
was sponsoring “Your Hometown Haunted House”.
Well, OK. This doesn’t sound so bad.
We got our tickets and got to the front of the line. The studio doors
mysteriously opened and a deep voice announced, “This TV 27 Haunted
House starts NOW!
That’s a catchy open. Where have I heard that before?
The studio was dark. Suddenly an orange spotlight blared on an ultra
short woman standing by what looked like the fresh meat section of the
supermarket. “Bad Bologna. Could it kill you?”, she asked
with a stern sense of urgency. “We’ll tell you how to spot
spoiled lunchmeat that could ruin your recess, coming up next.”
Dad? You made me bologna today!
Joel relax….it’s a Haunted House.
We walked on. A bolt of lightning. A bang of thunder. Test
tubes filled with dry ice sat in front of the pale-faced man in the white
lab coat. “Welcome to the Weather Lab!” laughed the
menacing meteorologist. “Double Doppler shows only light rain in
the area right now, but the possibility for severe weather lurks to our
west. Could these storms produce damaging golf-sized hail, and even tornados
capable of ripping the roof off your two-story? We’ll give you
tips on where to store your toys in the event a twister tears your bedroom
in half. “
Great, Joel won’t sleep tonight. His eyes welled up. I walked
on.
Amber Alert. Amber Alert. The sirens went off around us. Joel
squeezed my hand with all the force his 48-pound body could muster. The
shadowy face of a little girl was projected on the ceiling. “An
Amber Alert has been issued for Catalina Guttierez, last seen walking
to school near her home in BorderTown, Texas. Do you walk to school?
You may be the next target of a sexual predator living just blocks from
your home. We’ll tell you how to defend yourself against a potential
kidnapper in a special report that could save your life.”
Dad….I’m scared. I want to go home.
It’s OK Joel. We’re almost done. Just hold my….
All of a sudden, a fake corpse dropped from above. A middle-aged white
man in a white shirt and blue tie with a noose around his neck, swung
back and forth.
Aaaaahhh!! Joel started crying. A voice bellowed from below. “I’m
Chris Chocola, and I approved this public hanging. Joe Donnelly was late
paying his taxes fifteen times. And now he wants to raise yours. Donnelly,
Good for Tax Evaders. Bad for Hoosiers.”
A new low for Haunted Houses.
Just as we avoided the dead swinging Democrat, we turned the final corner
and…. Bang! Joel was shaking uncontrollably.
The blade of a guillotine fell on the neck of a middle aged white man
in a blue shirt and red tie. A voice echoed from above. “I’m
Joe Donnelly and I approved this decapitation. Chris Chocola backs big
money oil companies. But he turns his back on hard working Hoosiers.
Chocola, Good for Greedy Oil Companies. Bad for Hoosiers.”
As we scooted past the headless Republican and zipped out the back door,
a cheery voice chased us from the studio.
“Thanks for visiting Your Hometown Haunted House. We’ll
see you tonight on the Eleven O’clock News. TV27… Making
a Difference.”
Dad, I don’t like the news. It scares me.
Me too Joel….me too.
Ted Mandell teaches in the Department of Film, Television, and Theatre
at the University of Notre Dame.
Copyright 2006 Ted Mandell.
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