Dream School
I’m sure everyone else already knows this, but the other day I found out that Notre Dame managed to snag the No. 5 spot on the Princeton Review’s list of “Top 10 Dream Colleges.” Being a curious person (i.e. a person desperate to not actually do my homework), I decided to check out the Princeton Review Web site to verify this. I found the list of dream schools and discovered that this ranking isn’t 100 percent true. We only made the list of parents’ dream schools, not students’. Figures. After all, my mom was the one who wanted me to go to Notre Dame. I wanted to go south, because I hate snow. Seeing as she obviously won that debate, I suppose Notre Dame made the more important of the lists.
After that monumental letdown, I got ambitious with my procrastination and perused the site to see where Our Lady ranks in other departments. Some of the lists are pretty straightforward — we’re second in “Best Career/Job Placement Services.” That’s legit; you can determine our employment rate pretty easily, although not by looking at my record of summer employment. Then there’s our No. 11 on “Future Rotarians and Daughters of the American Revolution.” I don’t know if that one is based on actual numbers, or if they are stereotyping us as socially conscious elitists. I’ll accept it, though, because that really isn’t too wild of an accusation.
I’d like to know exactly how the Princeton Review compiles its more obscure lists. I can’t fathom how they managed to figure out that we are sixth in the “Students Pray on a Regular Basis” category. Are there cameras at the Grotto? (That wouldn’t surprise me, actually.) Maybe there’s a head count at Masses. Not that going to Mass always counts as praying. I know that I spend the first half figuring out how I can keep people (especially the ones I don’t even know) from hugging me at the sign of peace. Most of the second half involves an internal debate about whether it’s hypocritical that I do not drink the wine at Communion even though I partake in that particular beverage in social situations on a regular basis.
We’ve locked in No. 20 on “Happiest Students.” I don’t recall ever talking about my feelings to officials from the Princeton Review. Maybe that one is gauged by the amount of anti-depressants prescribed by health services. Considering that Prozac neither treats mono nor tests for pregnancy, I doubt much of it gets dished out.
Some of the rankings are legitimate, others are debatable and then there are straight-up lies. Notre Dame is No. 19 on “More to Do on Campus.” I guess they consider things like “Salsa Night” at Legends and SUB movies exciting activities for 18–22 year olds. Or it could be that this ranking is a reflection of the fact that we actually allow parties in dorms, while other schools force kids to go off campus for such shenanigans. And No. 11 for “Best Campus Food.” I’m sorry, what? OK, I’ve yet to get food poisoning from the dining hall, but let’s be serious. Have you ever noticed that the bananas in North Dining Hall somehow manage to be both under- and over-ripe simultaneously? Because I have, and it disgusts me.
So, you may ask, is there any category on which Notre Dame managed to top the charts? Why, yes, because it turns out that “Everyone Plays Intramural Sports,” which is also a lie, because I don’t. But I’m not about to argue about our lone No. 1 slot. After all, I am an avid fan of inter-hall football parties, where I celebrate the athletic abilities of my dorm mates in a completely drug-free zone. There’s a reason we are No. 13 on “Don’t Inhale.”
