Natalie Kratz
Once again, one of my sisters is getting married. After accepting the position of bridesmaid, I insisted that she allow me to bring a date even though I am currently unattached. I don’t want to spend the evening dancing with my brother, again, even though Pete can really bust a move. Now that she’s folded, I’ve realized the flaw in my plan: I’m in danger of being the dateless bridesmaid. So, starting my quest early, I’ve narrowed the pool down to four lucky fellas.
At the top of my list is Danny Boome, also known as the “Rescue Chef” on the Food Network. We need to keep in mind that there is the possibility that I’ll catch the bouquet, and my date gets the garter. This means that he must have husband potential. Danny Boome is number one in my book primarily because of his excellent last name. But I’ve also taken into account that he can cook things, like sun dried tomato and pine nut stuffed beef tenderloin, and would most likely put up with my addiction to the Food Network. And let’s not forget the sexy accent.
I was considering asking Christian Bale, but I think that the abuse allegations from this past summer might cause a bit of a scandal. That is why I would ask him to come in character as Bruce Wayne. My family would rather see me with a wealthy, attractive man who cares about the well-being of others than an alleged abuser. And although it would be a bit of a downer if he left during the reception to fight crime, showing up in the Batmobile would more than make up for it. Or if he prefers, he could come as Jack from “Newsies.” Let’s be honest, I’m not picky.
The next candidate is a man of many talents, Marky Mark Wahlberg. He could impress my relatives with his spectacular rapping (maybe he could even get the Funky Bunch to show up!). I’m sure he’d even reenact some of the best scenes from “The Italian Job” or “The Departed.” Or he could just stand around in his underwear, like he did in his Calvin Klein modeling days, except that might be uncomfortable for my grandparents. And the groom. And I don’t know if he’s self-conscious about his third nipple, even though it would be a great conversation piece. So maybe him being half-naked at the reception isn’t such a hot plan, but I think it’s worth a shot. For an added bonus, according to Wikipedia, he’s a practicing Catholic. Mom is gonna love that!
While I realize that Will Smith is actually old enough to be my father, is married, has three children and questionable ties to the Church of Scientology, I still think that we’d make a good match. Plus, the wedding is in Philly, so he could even visit his old stomping grounds (and chill out, max, relax all cool…). The only real problem is that he might actually do a better rendition of “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” than I can, which would lead to serious tension, because I’ve probably worked harder than he has on perfecting the performance.
So the only issue now is trying to contact my eligible bachelors. (Let’s ignore the fact that the word bachelor implies unmarried.) I doubt they read their fan mail, and even if they did receive my formal invitation, they would probably think I’m just another crazy. But I’m confident that we would have a great time at the wedding, and if all goes as planned, we could exchange our own vows soon enough. I’ll just bank on the possibility that at least one of these guys reads Scholastic. So Danny/Christian/Marky/Will, if you aren’t too busy the first weekend in January, you can contact me via the magazine office. Or the Backer … I’ll be sitting next to the cutie in the jorts.
