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I rent plenty of movies, and over the years, I've discovered some rules to
keep in mind every time I go to the video store.
- Never rent any movie with the words police and academy
in the title.
- Never rent any movie with the number 2 appears at the end of
the title if you've never heard of part one.
- The farther removed a sequel is from the original, the worse it will
be (unless it's a continuous overall story).
- Never rent any movie with Leslie Nielson if he has white hair.
- Never rent any movie with a title that sounds similar to a popular
movie (e.g. Plump Fiction, Silence of the Hams, etc.).
- Be wary of the discriptions on the backs of the boxes. Words like
stunning and masterpiece are often confused with words like
pretentious and hard to follow.
- Kevin Costner can make any great movie good.
- Basketball players should not act.
- Never rent a movie that never appeared in theaters.
- Most movies released around 1999 that have the word American
in the title will feaure Mena Suvari.
- Never rent any movie in which the title is misspelled.
- Great directors don't always make great movies.
- Any movie with a picture of a scantily clad woman on the cover and
words like passion and ecstacy in the title is most likely
really bad soft-core porn.
- Any movie released by Troma Films is likely to be offensive and
gross.
- Never rent any sequel that doesn't feature any of the original
actors from the first film.
- Never rent any movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Sylvester Stallone, and expect it to be great.
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