House of the Dead

There's a group of kids trying to get to a rave on one side of an island called the Isla de Muerta.  Someone brilliantly points out at one point that Muerta means dead.  They didn't clarify what Isla de meant.  For all we know, it's French for "Where all the white women at?"  For those in the know, it really means Isle of the Dead.  Anyway, these kids are trying to get to this rave (which isn't really so much as a rave as a group of kids doing the Proud Dance of Caucasia in mid-afternoon).  Anyway, the kids are trying to get to the rave, so they hire a boat to take them there, as they're apparently late for the shuttle service. 

So, they hire Captain Kirk (yes, that's his name) and his trusty sidekick Salish (played by Clint Howard, in a performance that rivals that of John Reynolds as Torgo in 'Manos' The Hands of Fate) to take them to the island, despite all the warnings.  There's also another group of forgettable characters on the other side of the island, so they can all meet up in the middle.  This group is led by an incompetent member of the Coast Guard.  Anyway, they all get to the island.  Captain Kirk is an arms smuggler, so he hides a bunch of crates of weapons so they can use them later.  Then the zombies attack.

Now, when I say zombie, I use the term loosely.  I call them zombies because that's what they call them in the movie.  In reality, they're best described as undead.  (Zombies are one of many forms of undead.  They're driven by the desire to feed, and they have no mental capacity whatsoever.  The undead in this movie clearly have some mental capacity, and they're out to maim, not feed.) 

They decide to escape on Captain Kirk's boat.  (Kirk had stayed behind to hide his smuggled weapons, remember), but when they get there, Kirk has already left.  A few people try to swim out to the boat through zombie-infested waters, and eventually, everyone (including Kirk and Salish) ends up back on the island.  Kirk tells them about the weapons, and as luck would happen, all the raver kids who are still spaced out on E are fully trained in using military-grade weaponry.  Not only that, but they've watched The Matrix enough to be well-versed in the art of bullet-time.  Really bad bullet-time.

So, they all fight their way to the little house in the middle of the island.  There's plenty of zombies, clips from the video game, and bad acting abound.  If there's one nice thing I can say about this movie, it's that it really delivers in the people vs. undead area.  There's lots of fighting and shooting and whatnot.  Several characters die, lots of zombies die, and we suddenly get to me the grossly unnecessary main villain.  He's just some guy who found a way to live forever by consuming the flesh of living people, or something.  He's a pretty bland and useless villain.  He gets decapitated, and he head gets crushed.  Too bad for him.

The survivors eventually decide to head to the dock.  Luckily, they have the Coast Guard lady.  If she doesn't report in within two hours, the Coast Guard will send a small rescue party.  So, they fight their way through more zombies and get to the helicopter and get away.

Now, if you haven't figured it out yet, this is a very bad movie.  Everything about it is over the top.  Every decision that every character makes is a bad one.  For example, there's one scene where the Coast Guard lady and one of the ravers go scouting through the trees.  Both are armed, and they're presumably familiar with the buddy system.  So, when they spot a zombie, they do the natural thing.  Coast Guard lady starts shooting and tells the guy to run, allowing her to be easily caught and killed.  Oops.  Did I spoil the movie for you?  Sorry. 

If you want a good zombie movie, avoid House of the Dead.  Rent one of George Romero's movies.  If you're looking for a good bad zombie movie, this is the one for you.

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