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This one has Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman in it. I knew it had
to be bad. We stopped this one short because we had to do dishes (Yes, it
was that bad). Jean-Claude is a retired cop whose arch nemesis is still
alive. You can see where this is going. During the first showdown, the bad
guy's girlfriend and son get killed. Why this guy would bring his family
to the big shootout is beyond me, but he does, and they get killed. He
blames Jean-Claude and swears revenge, which is appropriate because guess
who's pregnant. That's right, it's Van Damme's girlfriend. So, Jean-Claude
loses the second big fight, but he survives and is somehow found by this
global anti-terrorist organization who takes him captive and forces him to
fight terrorism for them from their secret island. Evidently, there's
supposed to be all kinds of security measures that will keep people on the
island, but Jean-Claude Van Damme, being Jean-Claude Van Damme, figures
out a way past all of them Something that never would have happened if
they simply installed security cameras in the place. So, sadly for the
rest of the world, Van Damme escapes and hooks up with none other than
Dennis Rodman, who acts almost as well as Jean-Claude. The two met earlier
to buy and sell guns. Well, they hook up to save the girlfriend and kid.
There's a big shootout in a piazza in Rome, and Van Damme goes to visit
some cyber-monks for no good reason. Lo and behold, he finds his woman in
the hospital (of all places), but the baby's gone. He finds what looks to
be a bullfighting ring. The bad guy is there, shirtless. Now, if you know
the rules to action movies, not wearing a shirt makes the hero almost
completely invulnerable. Evidently, the same applies to the bad guy too.
Well, the baby's in the middle of the ring. Surrounding the baby are
landmine buried under the sand. Each mine is marked with a cross. Now, if
you don't understand how a landmine works, let me explain. There's 2
kinds:
1. The kind that detonates an explosive sending shrapnel everywhere. The shrapnel pretty much chews through the soldier, killing him. It is detonated by stepping off it. 2. The kind that contains a small but powerful explosive charge which explodes straight upward. This is the kind that takes limbs and other parts off soldiers. It also kills and is also detonated by stepping off it. You get the idea. So, Van Damme has to face the bad guy, the mines, and (I swear I'm not making this up) the tiger. Yes, the bad guy releases a tiger. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't tigers endangered? Wouldn't the World Wildlife Federation prevent this? Anyway, Van Damme must smell tastier because the tiger goes after him. Meanwhile, Rodman rides in on his motorcycle, snatches the baby, and hides it. He returns, and the three of them (Van Damme, Rodman, and bad guy) fight it out. The tiger, meanwhile, is off taking a nap or something. The point is that it's not around. Well, Van Damme steps on a mine marker which was removed from the mine that bad guy stepped on. Van Damme and Rodman flee, and bad guy's stuck. Then the tiger comes back. Just as it's about to land on the bad guy, he steps off the mine. Now, you will recall that earlier in this presentation, I mentioned that landmines are very limited in their explosion radius. Keep that in mind when reading the next sentence. The whole building blows up. Yes, the mine blew up an entire arena. How did this happen? The way I see it, either the bad guy rigged the mine to a bunch of explosives throughout the building (which is unlikely) or it's a supermine (even less likely). At any rate, the bad guy would have know about the power behind these mines he bought, right? Now figure this out: Why use mines as booby traps for the one-on-one fist fight he had planned when he knew that if either of them stepped off it, they'd both be dead? |