We've reached the end of the semester, and as is customary, awards must be given, because people like getting awards, even if they are stupid technology awards.

The Pen15 Award

This coveted award goes to David Page, the leader of a research team investigating the Y chromosome.

Currently Page and his teammates are attempting to discover the history of what makes a male and what the chromosome actually does.

However, his team has not discovered the "Beer gene," the gene that drives guys to the refrigerator to get a cold one during halftime.

Thankfully, Page has promised not to share the secrets of the Y chromosome with women, who assuredly would use the knowledge to eliminate the National Football League.

The Making Money Off Your Insecurity Award

You are one sexy mo-fo. Or are you? AmIhot.com can help you discover whether your future occupation will be a bouncer at Boat Club or a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.

Basically all you do at this Web site is sign up and send them a picture of yourself. Then weird Internet junkies visit the site and rate you on a scale of one to ten.

The best part about AmIhot.com is the sketchy Europeans that leave their e-mail addresses in your response folder. There's nothing better than HairyMan32 asking you if "you like to try new things."

Clearly the best use of AmIhot.com is for the embarrassment of your friends. After you have fired off a roll of film at an off-campus rager, be sure to put the choicest photos of your drunken mates on the Web site.

That way your friends can receive posted messages and meet new Internet friends that just love Dungeons and Dragons.

The Lamest Use of Technology in South Bend Award

WNDU, our local NBC affiliate, reminds us all daily how lame South Bend really is. Live SuperDoppler16, the station's weather radar, lets you know up to ten minutes faster than other stations' radar that it will eventually rain.

Wow. Ten whole minutes. That's 600 seconds. My world has officially been rocked.

Unlike other TV stations' un-live Doppler radar, SuperDoppler16 lets you watch the green splotch move across your TV screen. If you watch Fox 28, the green splotch just sits there. That's really lame.

This green splotch will confirm that, in fact, it is raining, just in case looking out your window didn't help you discover the water falling from the sky.

Clearly, the window is an under-used technology for knowing what the weather is like.

The Craziest Thing Since Pet Cemeteries Award

An anonymous millionaire who apparently really liked his dog donated $2.4 million to a scientist to advance pet-cloning research.

Now people who want a string of the same ol' Fido can store their pet's DNA at Lazaron BioTechnologies for an initial $500 fee, plus $10 a month.

Then, when the ability to clone pets becomes reality, in an estimated five years, you get another doggie. They do gerbils, too.

Even Lou Hawthorne, the owner of a competing pet DNA storage firm, agreed with this award.

"Certainly some of our customers are crazy," Hawthorne said. "But far more of them are simply crazy about their animals."

That brings our awards to an end. Congratulations to all our winners.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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