I've been finding myself reluctant to throw my heart into things lately. This is mostly due to a lack of commitment on my part; my fear of commitment stems from being hurt. They say you can be once burned and twice shy — and this applies to more than relationships.

When I was in middle school, I noticed that I floated from group to group — which meant I got along with just about everyone and no one could hurt me. But this also meant that I didn't have anyone to lean on.

Things are different now — I have a close circle of friends whom I trust. But still, I see that butterfly effect in other areas of my life. I was involved in a lot of activities in middle school and high school that kept me busy enough that I didn't notice what I was doing.

I came to college last fall and found I had nothing to do because I couldn't do any of the activities I was used to participating in at home. So I muddled about for the first couple weeks, occasionally making friends, but religiously attending class. Until Activities Night at Saint Mary's. Saint Mary's Editor Molly McVoy, pointed to me as I walked past her table and said, "YOU! Get over here and sign up! You are going to write for The Observer."

And so I did. I gave in. I wrote for the paper, but I didn't live it. At least not to the extent that my fellow writers and editors did. Let's just say that my nickname around the office is "the only editor who comes to the office once a year and still gets paid." I do go to the office for meetings, but mostly I just write and call people and handle some of the meetings and writers.

I am the invisible editor.

I never worked the famous long nights at the office. I was reluctant to make that final commitment. I didn't want to admit that I liked this group of people enough to join them. Today, to some extent, I regret my reluctance. My fellow Observerites are indeed a wonderful group of people. You have only to read the personals under the classifieds to see their never-ending sense of humor. (They write them at 3 in the morning.)

Even though it is not quite too late for me to "join the party" so to speak, it is nearly so. After Dec. 15, I will not be back on campus for a year. Early on in my college career I made the decision to track myself so that I could study for one semester in Rome and one semester in Washington, D.C. Luckily, I also came in with enough credits to graduate a year early. But the drawback is that I will only be on campus for one more semester before I don my cap and gown and end my undergraduate days for good.

There have been times that I have felt like chucking my job as Saint Mary's news editor this year — particularly those weeks when I was writing 3 articles a day and my homework didn't get any attention until the wee hours of the morning. But looking back, it has all been worth it. I've met a lot of wonderful people, and I also got my name in the paper a lot. And so, I would like to end this by saying that I hope my travels won't mean the end of my Observer career. In effect, I would like to start over. I would like to come back my final semester and be part of The O staff. I might even try coming to the office more often. Who knows?

In any case, this is the invisible editor signing off, for good.

• Until we meet again...