Michael Jordan versus Wilt Chamberlain. Mike Tyson versus Mohammed Ali. Undefeated `74 Miami Dolphins versus the `85 Chicago Bears. Which dream matchup ranks as the greatest of all time? None of the ones I have listed so far. There is only one such matchup that could possibly live up to its billing — one that involves two of the mightiest behemoths ever to grace their respective domains. One that pits two opposing forces so powerful that if they were ever to actually meet in the heat of battle the results would be so catastrophic that all aspects of life would be drastically altered for decades to come. I give you the ultimate clash of the titans — the Smurfs versus the Keebler Elves.

These two competitors offer a matchup so intriguing that one cannot help but to examine both sides carefully and then try to determine an eventual champion.

The Smurfs: though admittedly small in size, the Smurfs compensate for this principle weakness in quantity. Scholars estimate that hundreds of different Smurfs of all kinds of character traits and specialties populate the Smurf Village, more than enough to greatly outnumber the Keebler Elves.

Another point to consider is the individual abilities of several Smurfs that could lead to eventual Smurf domination. The most obvious of these key players is Papa Smurf and his natural leadership capabilities. Time after time Gargamel has tested Papa Smurf's mettle and in every instance he has proven his worth.

Ever victorious, Papa Smurf's possession of no exploitable weaknesses make him an ideal military general. Other Smurfs of note include Jokey Smurf and his detailed knowledge of small explosives, Hefty Smurf and his immense strength, and Handy Smurf and his expertise in the field of general mechanics.

The Keebler Elves: the Keebler Elves principle strength lies in their ability to make adjustments quickly. For almost three decades, the Keebler Elves have provided much of the free world with every kind of potato chip imaginable. Their mastery of the world market did not come about by accident or circumstance.

The Elves examine every market trend in minute detail to determine which way their industry is headed and then make immediate adjustments accordingly. Such quick action requires intense training and efficient employee management, qualities that would become most advantageous in the heat of battle.

The Keebler Elves also have terrain advantage. The impenetrable hollow oak tree that the Keebler Elves inhabit provides both protection and a structure that could be made into much more than a baked goods workshop if a battle would so demand it.

Just like the American factories were converted into war machine manufacturing plants during World War II, so too, the oak tree could be transformed into a weapons and ammunitions facility. This technological advantage could give the Keebler Elves the edge they need to combat the Smurfs superiority in numbers.

Who would win this battle of such epic proportions? Could it be the Keebler Elves with their high technology wiping out all of Smurf-kind? Or would it be the Smurfs outlasting the Keebler Elves in a war of attrition?

Whatever the outcome, a battle between combatants such as the Keebler Elves and the Smurfs could only be referred to as a Clash of the Titans.

• Clash of the Titans