Untangling the political mess
Joshua Kirley
Swift's Confederate
What an election! What an exciting time to be a part of democracy! Thank God that modern technology has saved us from the uncertainty and nail-biting that marked the elections of 1876 and 1960. As a registered Florida voter who never made it to the polls last Tuesday, this election has left me with several thoughts.
1. Don't tell me every vote counts, then not count every vote.
It seems vote counting is a refined, well-regulated process of estimating, approximating and sorta kinda rounded guesswork. Of the 67 Florida counties, 55 received a drastically different total after recounting. In all, they forgot to count over 3,700 votes. When the other 12 counties were pressed for an explanation, they could only mutter something about "coincidence." Some counties counted ballots that did not exist. These county election commissioners produce commercials and mass-mailings, saying, "Every vote counts," then they don't count every vote. Results are given based on an estimate of the miscounted non-absentee ballots. A new president is declared eight days before all the votes arrive (and that's a day after the networks.)
2. My friends matter.
I know about 300 people that voted for the same person. So, in essence, my buddies picked the leader of the free world. And, that's pretty cool.
3. Let's stop rocking the vote.
The problem with democracy is that it's too democratic. Millions of dollars are spent trying to increase voter registration and participation. We don't need more voters. We need more-informed voters. Don't go to heavy metal concerts, NASCAR events and Ultimate Fighting championships to register voters. If people are too lazy or uninformed to make a qualified decision, stop guilting and pestering them into voting. It is not in the country's best interest to have one these "eeny meeny miney mo" voters (who only registered to get a free "Eat my shorts man" T-shirt) dilute the decision of an informed citizenship who would speed-walk three miles past free cheesecake just to pull that lever.
4. The notion of a voting age is silly.
I remember waking up on my 18th birthday. I didn't know any more about political issues or parties than when I lay my spinning head down to sleep the night before.
5. Bring back the literacy tests.
If age can't determine suffrage, then use knowledge. This country is full of idiots. I have no problem with them reproducing and playing lawn darts, but don't let them vote. Originally, literacy tests were intended to disenfranchise blacks. The modern version will be objective, universal in application and succeed in disenfranchising only the most accomplished and demonstrative of morons.
Perhaps, have them spell or identify the name of their favorite candidate. Color? Number? Some people simply should not be allowed to vote. I am not speaking in generalities. I can provide names. These are good friends. Several of my students voted in this past election. On the surface, this is a good thing. But, I teach freshman in high school. Now, I love every one of these kids, but I wouldn't want them choosing my breakfast cereal, let alone my next president.
6. It seems one county in south Florida has developed a ballot to weed out these people.
No matter how technologically advanced this process becomes, we will never vote psychically. Therefore, votes must be counted according to the name on the voter's ballot, not the name in the voter's otherwise absent mind.
7. Don't ever concede victory.
A football coach once told me this. Obviously, Gore never participated in football or any other coordination-dependent activity (such as combat). Conceding doesn't make you a better loser or a better winner, no matter how many times you do it or undo it. Just scrap the whole stupid formality.
8. Stop the polling.
I remember roaming the halls of the Manor at 2 in the morning, trying to scare up enough guys to play snow football. Twenty guys would give me the same response, "If you can get enough people out there, I'll play." If 20 guys are waiting around for those first 19, nobody moves. This same unfortunate phenomenon plagued Nader's Green party. No person wants to be irrelevant. Because polls portrayed Nader voters in this light (not a totally unfair characterization), we will never realize the magnitude of his impact on the American voter.
9. The reason I can't make sense of the Electoral College is because it makes no sense.
Finally, I know that I am a terrible person for not voting and therefore have no right to an opinion or oxygen supply. But, I have never voted in my life and haven't been burned yet. I didn't even vote for myself when I ran for class treasurer back in 10th grade. And it didn't matter then either. I was defeated by more votes than Gore needs in Florida. Unless the difference in the final, final recount is one or zero, I wisely saved on gas again this year.
Joshua Kirley is a member of the class of '99. He currently lives and teaches in Cape Coral, Florida. He can be reached at MrKirley@aol.com.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Thursday, November 16, 2000
