Interview with a cuddly celebrity
Marlayna Soenneker
Here We Go Again ...
I go through periodic withdrawal from my high school days of journalism. I miss the difficult interviews, like the new teachers and the 4-H club. Those were the days — the quick reparteé, the witty banter, the pressing questions.
So, in a nostalgic effort (hey, be glad this column isn't the seventh in a series about how much I am going to miss Notre Dame) to relive the old days, I've decided to bring you my one and only college interview.
Who did I interview? Who was the most interesting entity I could think of?
You guessed it — a Notre Dame squirrel.
Q: So. You're a squirrel.
A: Pretty much.
Q: How's that working out for you?
A: Pretty well.
Q: Tell the truth — ever attacked a student for food?
A: I've never been desperate enough to do it for food. I have done it for kicks a few times. You know those pre-med kids, when they're wandering around campus before the MCAT with their flashcards, not paying any attention to what's going on? They're the best. You get up on the back of a bench and you launch yourself up on their head as they go by. The best is when they get scared, drop all their flashcards, and run away. Without those cards, you know those kids aren't going to med school.
Q: Are you a big fan of Notre Dame football?
A: Are you kidding me? I never miss a game.
Q: What do you think of the season so far?
A: It was great right up until Boston College. What was that? I could have played better than that. Me and my squirrel buddies — we've been working out. I can almost lift the ball now. We'll have an offense in no time, and even if we don't have one, we're still no worse off than the real team. We also have a whole new take on defense — jump up, bite their noses and hang on. It's not easy to concentrate on the ball when someone is biting your nose off.
Q: About squirrels playing football — do you know the squirrel who was on the field my freshman year at the BC game?
A: Know him? He's a legend. He is, after all, the only Notre Dame squirrel to log actual playing time. And, as I recall, he played better than the Notre Dame team at that game. Much as my buddies and I would have played better then they did at the last Boston College game.
Q: Have you talked to Coach Willingham about this?
A: We tried to get in to talk to him early in the season, but he was having eye surgery at some Laser Center or something.
Q: What's your favorite thing about Notre Dame?
A: The trash cans are easy to chew through.
Q: What's your biggest problem with Notre Dame?
A: Parietals.
Q: It bothers you that the Notre Dame guys can't be in the girls' dorms after midnight?
A: I don't care about the Notre Dame guys. I care about the squirrel guys. You know what the ND police do after midnight? They check up on all the boy squirrels to make sure we aren't shacking up with the girl squirrels.
Q: Wow. That's hard core.
A: They keep waving around the catechism and telling us we're Catholic squirrels at a Catholic University. Yet if we try to go into the Basilica, they chase us out and scream at us. Hypocrisy is alive and well at Notre Dame.
Q: Speaking of hypocrisy, how do you feel about politics?
A: Bad, most of the time.
Q: Did you vote in the election last week?
A: I'm a squirrel. Do you think I voted?
Q: Oh yeah. My bad. What do you think about President Bush?
A: I think his name is deceptive. I do not think he is a good place to hide in case of emergency.
Q: Do you have an opinion on the possibility of war with Iraq?
A: I think that the issue and disturbances in the Middle East and throughout the Arab and Muslim worlds (which are not and ought not be seen as synonymous) are rooted in conflicts we Westerners should have endeavored to comprehend more than a century ago, well before we initiated programs that so deeply affected the troubled region.
Q: Wow. That's a pretty developed opinion for a squirrel.
A: I got if off some chick's paper. She dropped it accidentally on her way to class. Guess she's not going to med school either.
Marlayna is a senior psychology and theology major. She would like to say hi to the dining hall crew this week and hopes that people will stop requesting shout-outs now. She would also like to thank/blame Travis for the idea that spawned this column. She can be reached at msoennek@nd.edu.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Thursday, November 14, 2002
