`Charlie's Angels' is a no-brainer
By GUNDER KEHOE
Scene Movie Critic
With the recent failures of "The Avengers," "A Very Brady Sequel," "Sgt. Bilko" and, most notably, "Wild Wild West," one would hope that Hollywood had learned its lesson. Unfortunately, another old TV show has been force-fed to the American publc in the form of "Charlie's Angels."
"Charlie's Angels," the TV show, has been revived on TVLand, but for those who can't fit the show in their schedule, the gist is pretty simple: A wealthy old guy employs three sexy women to work as crime-fighting investigators. Together, these young pussycats dress incognito, foil villains and do all sorts of silly things. It sounds more like a porno story-line, only the writing is slightly better and the all-or-nothing sex has been replaced by some less-exciting romance.
The Angels, played by Cameron Diaz (Natalie), Lucy Liu (Alex), and Drew Barrymore (Dylan) leap from costume to costume in hopes of thwarting a wring of evil masterminds bent on stealing special computer software. Fortunately, the sexy trio has Bosley (Bill Murray) on their side, and his antics make their close calls all the more daring.
The movie doesn't connect through its story, so the usual twists and turns won't leave any jaws dangling. The director, known only as McG, serves up quite a spectacle that delivers a bit of everything, yet amounts to nothing.
For a movie that brags about its girl power, the actresses don't live up to the hype. Sure, the Angels can do some pretty nasty Kung-Fu, but their chemistry falls flat. Maybe it's asking too much to hope that each woman would feel like an irreplaceable piece of the film; but exchange any one of these actresses with another cute starlet and the movie wouldn't be any better or worse.
As Alex, Lucy Liu (TV's "Ally McBeal") has the most presence. When she slips into her dominatrix leather, there isn't a man alive she couldn't slap silly.
It's fun to watch Cameron Diaz dance in her undies, but is her cute hiney really worth $12 million dollars (her reported salary)? Diaz has a long, slender frame and it's well-suited to the martial arts, but her best karate is no match for the harsh lighting on her face. The glowing aura she donned in "There's Something About Mary" has faded and it looks like the make-up lady shot her face with a paint gun. In the wrong moment, her character looks less like a butt-kicking heroine than she does a heroine addict.
Drew Barrymore ("Never Been Kissed") is the least exciting of the Angels. She lacks the exoticism of Lucy Liu and the spunk of Cameron Diaz, so she's left out as the bastard Angel.
It's probably not fair to criticize when it's obvious the actresses had little to work with. No one expects brilliant writing from a television remake, but this screenplay reads more like an Internet script promotion where every page is written by someone different. Had less than 15 writers been able to pull off a more coherent narrative, the actors' fates might have been different.
The camera tricks that made "The Matrix" famous have been ripped off by everything from car ads to Nacho Cheese Doritos. Now "Charlie's Angels" is the latest inspiration.
If stealing from other movies is a sign of directorial talent, then McG is a bona fide genius. Maybe this is actually a clever parody of overblown action flicks, but that's giving Mr. McG too much credit. There comes a point when people have to finally recognize that repeated stealing is nothing more than copycat filmmaking. The director has enough tricky moves to helm an `NSync video, but hopefully his future project is no bigger than the next McDonald's TV spot.
Ironically, it's the men of "Charlie's Angels" who provide the saving grace. The film's funniest moment is Bill Murray's heart to heart with a funny-looking bird, but for the most part the actor is contained. Give another strike to McG for squandering Bill Murray and throwing away the potential for some much needed humor. And Luke Wison ("Blue Streak") is a welcome addition as Natalie's boyfriend. His effortless charm proves he's one of the more genuine young actors around.
Of course, a production of "Charlie's Angels" or any other third-rate TV show will never be remembered past the year it opens. But why not make its short life a bit more memorable?
--1 out of 5 shamrocks
All Scene Stories for Thursday, November 9, 2000
