Understanding the stained-glass, wafer wonders
Amy Schill
Dazed and Amused
Notre Dame is a Catholic institution. There's a crucifix in every classroom, weekly masses in every residence hall, there's even a portrait of the Last Supper in South Dining Hall. You can't even swing your arms without hitting someone with the letters CSC following his name (believe me, I've tried and I have the assault charges to prove it).
Most students here are Catholic but some are not. Before coming to Notre Dame, I had more experience with the latter than with the former. In fact, I didn't have much experience with believers of any sort in high school. I encountered many atheists, along with the trendiest of all the religious perspectives, the agnostics. Not only do these people not believe in God, but some of them don't even like football. When not sipping coffee or attending poetry slams, these people participate in their next favorite hobby — bashing Catholicism.
Well, like most of the people in this school, I am Catholic. My fellow Catholics here already know that our religion is where it's at but I would like to take a few moments to talk to the rest of you. I think most problems people have with Catholicism stems from misunderstandings. I'm writing to clear up some common misconceptions about the stained-glass wafer wonders. After reading this column you'll understand that 85 percent of the Notre Dame student body is not just Catholic, they're Catholicious.
Yum. O.K. First off, for some reason people think Catholics worship statues. Not true. Catholics worship one thing and one thing only: Notre Dame football. Every Saturday afternoon during football season the Fighting Irish honor God by beating their opponent senseless (or trying to anyway) in full view of our Savior, Touchdown Jesus. We do have statues in churches to remind us of religious figures such as Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Knute Rockne, but these are merely symbols of what we are praying to, not the actual deity.
Next complaint. Many people think the Catholic Church is too strict and rigid. Let's get one thing straight. We're the Church of the new millennium, baby, and we're ready to get down with our repressed selves. From now on only 98 percent of all our desires will be suppressed and the constant feeling of guilt that plagues our souls with every miniscule sin will be relieved every fall Saturday afternoon from 1:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. Think Catholics shy away from contact with other human beings? Well, no more. We will now go wild with sudden outbursts of hugging and affection (before parietals of course). These acts of warm, human compassion will no longer be accompanied by the usual guilt of not having produced children (if done on Saturday between the hours 1:30 p.m. and 5:30 p.m., times may vary due to holy days, bowl games (hey, maybe someday ...) etc.). Watch out kids, because we're here, we hate queers, get used to it!
Which brings me to my next point. Catholics have the bad reputation of hating homosexuals. The truth is we hate only the really bad ones. You know, those flamboyant Birdcage types with their keen sense of fashion and desire to advertise in The Observer. Conservative homosexuals with wives and children are fine. All homosexual tendencies should be suppressed except for during dorm parties, and the occasional butt-slapping and holding of hands during Notre Dame football games. All lesbians are bad.
It baffles me that all you pot-smoking hippie liberal bums think Catholics are too judgmental. My job as a Catholic is not to condemn others. My job as a Catholic is to be morally superior to all of you hell-bound sinners. A good Catholic does not condemn the Boston College fan, but merely tries to set a good example and show the misguided football enthusiast that Notre Dame has the one true football team. Other football teams have their good points, but Notre Dame is the only team that possesses the fullness of truth. And the truth always lies somewhere in the middle, up the middle, on every play.
The Catholic Church believes that all humans (except liberals, those without firm wrists and women) are equal. If you think otherwise, maybe you're the judgmental one.
Finally, I think the most painfully false view of Catholicism is that it is not a religion at all, but merely a collection of meaningless chants and rituals. Nothing could be further from reality. I truly believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth; cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame, wake up the echoes cheering her name ... Amen.
I hope that this little column has ended any derogatory thoughts some of you heretics have about the Catholic Church. If you still have doubts, I'll make it simple for you: we own a lot of art, our leader wears that cool hat, and the Vatican is one sweet piece of real estate. Case closed. Go Irish.
Amy Schill is a junior English major. Her column appears every other Monday. She can be contacted at schillthethrill@yahoo.com.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Monday, October 15, 2001
