Lessons in skillful stealing

I've had CD players stolen from my car twice in the past year. The first of these unfortunate incidents occurred during October of 2000 in Philadelphia. It was repeated three weeks ago here in South Bend, outside my off-campus residence. But it is not the fact that a CD player was stolen on two separate occasions that I find most irksome.

I'm fully aware that the theft of CD players from cars is a fact of life for a great number of people. And seeing as I have been granted the socio-economic status, through no doing of my own, that enables me to buy not one buy two CD players for my car in a single year, I find it hard to be downtrodden by these occurrences. Furthermore, if the people stealing my material possessions find it necessary to go to such extreme measures not simply to obtain said possessions for themselves, but to pawn off these luxuries for cash, then maybe it is life's way of evening out what the government cannot. So let it be stated that I am not upset simply because strangers absconded with my stereo on two occasions.

No, what upsets me most s how these so-called criminals carried out their deed here in South Bend. It was in stark contrast to the way in which the fine thieves in Philadelphia went about the same task.

11 months ago, I returned to my car parked a few blocks from the University of Pennsylvania to find no exterior damage at all. The lock had been skillfully picked from the outside and the stereo was removed neatly from its console, resulting in no other damage to the interior of the car. The car door was even locked upon my return, to ensure that nothing else would be taken from my vehicle (such as the bags of clothing in my back seat). These courteous thieves took what they could use and went on their way, all the while treating my vehicle and my other possessions with the utmost respect.

Now let's compare this with what happened three weeks ago in South Bend. One fine September morning my girlfriend and I walked groggily out to my car to drive to campus, and what did we find? A shattered window, broken by a maliciously wielded wrench that still lay on the passenger seat. The stereo console was snapped off its hinges and the once proud dashboard was left sagging sadly three inches from where it once held dominion. Bloodstains marred the plastic dash from the steering wheel to the passenger side window and were interspersed with shards of glass to form a gruesome, post-modern potpourri. We looked on in horror at this senseless act of low quality, talentless thievery.

I realize that CD players will be stolen. But every day as I drive around and look at the gaping hole directly above my cup holders, the weary dash spilling ever downward like the branches of a willow tree, I wonder why they had to be so incompetent. Why they were so amateurish in their crime. And I turn to my girlfriend, who was present at both robberies, and I say, "Remember those guys in Philadelphia?" a smile slowly spreading over my face. And she turns to me, mirroring my smile with one of her own, and says, "Yeah, they were good. If only they all could be that good."

• Lessons in skillful stealing