In contemporary society, we are faced with a multitude of problems that plague our everyday lives and affect the common good. This is true even of Notre Dame, where one might assume that the "bubble" protects us from issues we face in the outside world. Some of these issues are actually non-issues, such as whining about unchecked freedom of speech or other such "rights" which private institutions have no obligation to uphold.

But then there are legitimate worries, like the overabundance of vegetarians and vegans on campus. The problem is not their existence or their presence on campus, but rather the injustice done by not exposing these students to quality meat. I've seen these poor, iron-deficient creatures around campus trying to convince everyone that tofu really does taste good or that rice is exciting on a daily basis.

I have heard the statistics on how much grass cows eat and how, "if we would stop raising them for slaughter we could eat the grass and be happy ..." But I am not content with allowing them to make such choices without giving them a full opportunity to enjoy meat. I want these individuals to experience the thrill of dining with the realization that their meals once roamed the Earth as living, breathing creatures. I feel an invigorating power trip every time I order stir-fry. It simply wouldn't be fair to exclude anyone from such a pleasure, not even the people who used to protest "donkey basketball" back in high school.

For some students, the choice is one of health concerns, due to overstated risks of eating meat or the simple desire to cut out all fat from their diet. But I say to you that I would prefer one year with ribs and chicken to a lifetime of Tofu Meatloaf and Garbanzo Tacos.

Others have moral qualms about eating meat, likening it to barbarism and cruelty towards fellow creatures of the Earth. I suggest spending about ten minutes watching "Animal Planet" when tigers are featured. Then you can guilt trip meat-eaters on this point, or you can break free from your delusional ways.

It might be of some importance to also note that none of our ancient ancestors were vegetarians. That's because all of the PETA fruitloops of the ancient world became tasty low-fat snacks for saber-toothed tigers that had a sweet tooth for garden burger-eating, David-Spade-body-types who "felt the animals' pain." Unfortunately, it was the type of animal pain that zebras and water buffalo feel on those nature shows with crocodiles.

The point of this column is to promote a healthy appreciation of feasting on our friends in the wilderness. We are — as we should be — steak-and-egg-eating, milk-drinking hunters who have a God-given dominion over animals and the right to take advantage of it to sustain life.

No longer must our big-hearted brothers and sisters suffer in martyr-like anguish over another meal served without poultry or beef. Let yourselves go, and harness the warrior spirit inside you. Take your rightful place in the food chain, let your biceps exceed your wrists in girth, and I'll see you at the steakhouse.

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