As some of you noticed, I wrote an

Inside Column two weeks ago about my bike being stolen. Although it did really suck to have my bike taken away by the lock smashing devil-thief, I got over it. Some people don't have a bike, and it's not like the end of the world or anything, so my point wasn't to arouse pity.

The point was that I was sickened at the way that some people lack the mutual respect for their fellow human beings and their property. Especially sickening is that it happened no more than three days after the horrible tragedy of Sept. 11. At a time when compassion was at an all-time high among American citizens, some scoundrel saw fit to snatch a bicycle.

However, this story doesn't end with me being bitter about bike thieves. I am bitter enough already from enduring three years of engineering, and I think that's enough bitterness for me. You may ask why I am no longer bitter. Well, it's because I have my bike back. The short tale I am about to share with you will probably not greatly influence your life, but the stupidity and audacity of this said bicycle thief is just too funny.

I was pretty sure a fellow student didn't steal my bicycle. I thought it was an outside operation from the beginning, because seriously, what student carries around a hammer to smash bike locks off? My opinion has changed, because when I left work on Tuesday afternoon, my blue GT Outpost stood triumphantly against a column outside of DeBartolo hall, not 10 feet from where it was stolen. The only thing that was different was that the seat was cranked way high up, and a kryptonite U-lock graced the space between the frame and the back tire.

I hope whoever stole my bike reads this. I hope that lock didn't cost you too much, you despicable scrub. I called Security, they came over, and we locked the bike up to make sure whoever stole it didn't come for it. Of course, the culprit never appeared, or if he did, figured something was up when he saw the huge chain on it and left quietly. So the officer took my bike back to security, and they're going to have the lock cut off with a plasma torch.

Thief, I hope you had to walk very far that day. And then I hope you had a pebble in your shoe. I also hope you got a blister, and your shoes smell bad from the foot sweat. Then I hope that you pulled your groin, hamstring and ended up crawling back to your hole. In addition, I also wish upon you a case of explosive colon pressure during a job interview, just for added spite.

For those of you who have had your bike stolen, I feel very sorry for you, because I do know what it's like. If you own a coil lock, go out and spend the 15 bucks for a U-lock, because it will keep your bike infinitely safer, unless said thief plans to go out and purchase a plasma torch. Today, my fellow victims in bicycle larceny, I am triumphant. Keep an eye out for your bike. You may just find it. I wish you all better luck than myself in catching your thief. I guess that I'm just happy to have my bike back.

• Victim of bike theft speaks out