COLUMN: Listening to the Irish squirrels
By Jeff Baltruzak
Scene Writer
A recent conversation between Roger Squirrel and Joe Squirrel on North Quad:
Roger: What's up Joe. How are your nuts?
Joe: Eh, they've been better. I lost track of a couple of them, forgot what tree I buried them under.
Roger: I hear that. I mean, why even bother preparing for snow? We could just eat out of the dumpster at North Dining Hall all winter.
Joe: Ha! But then we'd have to eat dining hall food, and all the chipmunks eat that.
Roger: Seriously. Thank God for Burger King.
Joe: What's up with chipmunks anyway? They're like wannabe squirrels. They don't even eat garbage.
Joe: You should have seen this gray squirrel I chased up a tree. Man, she had the bushiest tail. One fine-tailed squirrel.
Roger: Dude, all those gray squirrels just dress up like that on Thursday nights. The rest of the week, they all wear sweats.
Joe: Tell me about it man. And how come all the gray squirrels have to live in their own trees? And we can only go in their trees during the day? Man, that isn't fair.
Roger: Yeah, I don't even know what to say to a gray squirrel. I was going to ask one to the Squirrel Your Roommate dance, but I just couldn't say anything.
Joe: It's like you can't even ask them to come and eat a rotten apple core out of the garbage. They automatically assume that you want to chase them up a tree.
Roger: And then if you do chase them up a tree, it's usually because you've eaten too many acorns, weren't thinking straight and things get weird.
Joe: Yeah, you don't want to eat too many acorns and then talk to gray squirrels. They think you're dumb then and then things get weird.
Roger: The gray squirrels think I'm weird anyway.
Joe: That's because you bury all your nuts around Stepan Center.
Roger: I guess.
Joe: Here comes Buddy Squirrel. He never buries any nuts. He lives over by the College of Business.
Buddy: Dude, I'm going out tonight to eat some massive acorns at the Nut Club. Who's coming with me?
Joe: We have to bury nuts.
Buddy: OK, brody, but its going to be an acorn party!
Roger: He's better than Alex Squirrel, the one that lives by O'Shag. He says he has to bury all these nuts and acts like he buries nuts all the time, but never buries any.
Joe: Seriously. Archie Squirrel buries the most nuts out of anybody over by Bond Hall.
Roger: Archie Squirrel's a myth. Have you ever seen him anywhere except by Bond Hall?
Joe: No, I haven't. He never leaves there. Poor squirrel.
Roger: Yep, poor squirrel.
Joe: Check it out — some kid left half a Grab 'N' Go sandwich over there. It's ours!
Roger: Thank God for Grab 'N' Go.
Joe: We'd never eat if it wasn't for Grab `N' Go. I think the same goes for humans.
Roger: Seriously.
Jeff Baltruzak welcomes angry letters from literate squirrels. Contact Jeff at baltruzak.2@nd.edu.
The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Scene Stories for Wednesday, September 19, 2001
