Graduating from SMC to Star Wars
BY: Mary Beth Ellis
So anyway, the best years of my life have now circled down the drain. What's new with YOU?
At least, that's what everyone indicated when I picked up my $80,000 piece of paper in May. Apparently, I peaked somewhere around age 21, and it whizzed right past me.
This was somewhat bothersome, as I wasn't ready to accept that the pinnacle of my entire existence was, essentially, the night I spent peeling a classmate's hair away from her face as she re-routed seven gin and tonics from her digestive system to the depths of Lake Marian.
So I wrestled with this question all summer in a Steel Cage Match of self-actualization: Despite all the challenges, joys and freedom that the Real World offers, are dining hall turkey patties and operating for entire financial quarters without sleep truly the best life has to offer?
And the answer is: Yes. The Real World sucks. You should stay out of it at all costs. It's nothing but wax build-up, car insurance and old people demanding their senior citizen discounts.
And I'm stuck here. I have no choice but to face reality, begin contributing to society, and put my degree in political science to work by marrying Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Mr. Kenobi, noted Jedi Knight, previously held his claim to fame within the Star Wars community as the mentor of Luke Skywalker, noted Jedi Whiner. After sudden death forced Obi Wan's retirement from active duty, he mostly spent his time popping up every now and then in a translucent manner to issue an incidental aside to Luke. (Um, you know how you totally made out with Princess Leia in the last movie? She's your SISTER, you dip-wad. Just so you know).
With the arrival of Episode I, however, we are privy to a vital and stunning new aspect of Obi-Wan's character: He was, in his youth, fully hot. This is indeed an important revelation. There simply aren't a lot of men to lust after in the Star Wars universe. Han Solo is taken. The aforementioned Luke is a sister-kissing wuss until the last 15 seconds of "Return of the Jedi." And the rest of the men are either consumed by evil, quick to be exploded or a curious shade of green.
Young, Hot Obi-Wan Kenobi — not to be confused with Aged, Non-Hot Obi-Wan Kenobi — has been dismissed as a tight-braided, lightsaber-up-his-butt kind of Jedi, but if you ask me, that's just a yummy invitation to mess him up. And when Obi-Wan does get old, I already know what to expect: He's going to turn into Alec Guinness. Which is an unmitigated plus because God only knows how any of us are going to geezer out, and you could do much, much worse than a Depends-age Alec Guinness. When Jerry Hall hooked up with Mick Jagger, for instance, all she wound up with, eventually, was an old Mick Jagger, who is looking more and more like Moses these days, assuming Moses spent the entire Nixon administration exceeding the recommended daily allowance of the narcotics food group.
Besides, just when Obi-Wan reaches an age when he appears to be on the brink of going AARP-raving mad, Darth Vader is scheduled to come along and whack him, albeit rather rudely, in half. And THEN do you know what Obi-Wan does? He DISAPPEARS! He cleans up after himself! How many men do that when they're ALIVE?
Obi-Wan is, if nothing else, a low-maintenance type of guy.
There are certain flaws to this Kenobi business, however, such as the minor issue of my current boyfriend. And I say this: My Kevin is a good man, but when was the last time I saw HIM smash five battle droids against a wall with a flick of his wrist? Not recently, I'll tell you that.
Sadly, though, I am past the point of sharing my best years with Obi-Wan. Still, I bet he can do a mean set of crowd push-ups.
Mary Beth Ellis, a 1999 graduate of Saint Mary's College, would like to warn the current inhabitant of her last dorm room (242 Le Mans Hall) that the lock on the bathroom door does not latch properly, but she and her suitemate have probably figured that out already — most likely in a horiffically embarrassing manner. At least, that's how Mary Beth Ellis figured it out.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Tuesday, August 31, 1999
