As a 21-year-old senior getting ready to enter the big bad world of the 21st century, I must acknowledge an acceptance of one of God's dearest gifts – baby-making.

Now, this has nothing to do with anything relevant to contemporary issues on campus. Instead, it has to do with the fact that I am close to receiving a college degree, and I am on the brink of becoming a full-fledged adult.

Thus, it's time to have a baby.

Two weeks ago, I was forced to wake up at 8 a.m. because a plumber was coming to my house to fix a leaky faucet. So I did what any good-hearted American would do – I turned on the TV set.

Having left the station on Fox the previous night, I was greeted with a wild, young 14-year-old telling the world how she doesn't care what people think about how she's had sex so many men, and so many women, because all she cares about is getting pregnant. I think the show was Sally Jesse, or Jenny Jones. It doesn't really matter, actually.

An hour or so later, I watched Regis and Kathy Lee announce that Jerry Seinfeld was also going to be a father with his recent bride Jessica Sklar.

The man many of us devote 30 minutes to every evening, to witness the hijinks of being single in contemporary America, had not only abandoned us in the wake of his recent marriage to Sklar, but had spit in our face by knocking her up.

So, I must conclude that now, with single America's ideological hero gone forever, singlehood and unparenthood must be a false way of life in the middle-class America I'm a part of.

Come on, 14-year-olds are wanting babies; why can't I want a baby?

I'm entitled. I've spent four years at this place, working hard, trying to build a foundation for my future. I go to class on a regular basis. I usually do my classwork. I've devoted many years to being a responsible student. So now it's time to be a responsible adult, and it seems the only way to prove that responsibility is to go out and have a baby.

It needs to be done, I tell you. It needs to be done.

It is my duty to enter my child-bearing years now, while I still have time to enjoy life. They say you can't comprehend the fragility and beauty of life until you hold your child in your hands, and see the fragility and beauty of soft little feet and chubby cheeks.

I want to understand life.

By the way, I can't do this alone. I need an egg. I need a uterus. I need nine months of womanhood to accomplish my goal. Please help me, people. Please help me. For I want a baby.

It's an easy decision, really. You'll know upfront that your child will be the son or daughter of a college graduate. He or she will be subject to a life-long dose of a hard work ethic and strong moral acuity.

I can only imagine how many people out there will jump at this opportunity. For it is rare that one man can spread so much joy on this earth. Indeed, I will spread that joy. Yes, I will spread the joy.

Just let me know, soon. Time is running out.

• Hey, baby