Thanks to a lucky combination of instinct and society, when acting as parents we know how to teach our children about fighting and violence. Even if you have no kids of your own, you can imagine how to instruct them correctly in some general situations.

Consider the following: You have two boys, Michael and Tommy, who share a bedroom. Originally, Tommy had the whole room to himself, but baby Susie displaced Michael, forcing his migration into Tommy's territory.

As a perceptive parent, you notice that Michael has become dominant over Tommy. He has taken over most of the toys, space, and other resources in the room, including a big stick. If Michael catches Tommy playing with one of the toys, reclaiming an area of the rug, or otherwise threatening Michael's dominance, he hits him with the bat, assuming that Tommy will get the message and go play someplace else.

Perhaps to Michael's surprise, Tommy grows bitter and resentful. He feels dispossessed. Unable to directly confront Michael and his baseball bat, Tommy fights back with a form of childhood "terrorism." He breaks Michael's G.I. Joes, throws rocks at him from around corners and, indeed, succeeds in hurting him very badly.

Faced with such systematic attacks by his brother, Michael decides to teach Tommy a really big lesson this time and smacks him upside the face with a new, heavier bat given to him by George, his rich best friend down the street. This is the situation into which you, as parent, peacemaker, negotiator and enforcer, enter.

Would you yell at Tommy, blaming him exclusively for the fight, while sympathizing with Michael? Of course not, you would hold them both responsible for resorting to violence to solve their problems. Why do we, as Americans and supposedly just negotiators, fail to do this in the ongoing fight between Israelis and Palestinians?

Mom wouldn't be swayed by the fact that Michael's attacks are more "official" because he has a bat and beats up Tommy face-to-face – in a conventional manner – while Tommy resorts to "terrorism." Any loving parent would reprimand both boys and their violent acts while demanding concessions from both allowing a fair coexistence in the room.

Why do so many of us react differently to the violence in Israel and Palestine? Everywhere, politicians, journalists, friends and neighbors are harshly criticizing Palestinians and Yasser Arafat for their "terrorist" tactics – and rightfully so, such attacks are horrifying. But where is the equally harsh criticism of Israel's campaign of violence and terror?

If the suspicion is lurking that somehow Israel's official and conventional violence is not as bad as that employed by Palestinians, appreciate that Palestinians have roughly three times the number of corpses that the Israelis do in this conflict. The truth is that the Israeli army is an amazingly efficient killing machine – innocent women and children (and men) have been killed in large numbers. The current violence pervades entire Palestinian cities, touching each and every resident – prisoners in their own homes.

I do not intend to justify suicide bombers. Violence is reprehensible on both sides of this bloody conflict. Secretary of State Colin Powell cannot consistently demand Arafat to denounce terrorism (which he did – in Arabic) while refusing to demand that Sharon condemn the illegal occupation of Palestinian territory and terror it creates.

The Israeli people are a people undergoing attack. But so are the Palestinians – and their situation is in many ways worse.

My mother taught me that two wrongs don't make a right and that it takes two to fight. Those truths are timeless; hopefully this violence won't be.

• Childhood wisdom applied