The gun control debate: Somebody shoot me
Amy Schill
Dazed and Amused
Nietzsche, everybody's favorite atheist anti-philosopher philosopher, wrote that every society feels a debt to its founders. Feeling forever unable to pay back the debt, the society elevates its founders to the level of gods.
This apotheosis has undoubtedly happened in America. We have chiseled the faces of our founding fathers into the gigantic Mount Rushmore, learned mythical stories about George Washington as children and with every cash purchase we are reminded who is responsible for our freedom. God maybe in whom we trust, but it's still all about the Benjamins, baby.
These revolutionaries, who were destined to become deities, built this nation on the Constitution, which included the Ten Amendments. Mistaking these men for gods, subsequent generations have regarded the Bill of Rights as the Ten Commandments. However, just as those commandments about lying and adultery have been reinterpreted by Billy Bob Clinton (what is "is" anyway?), the first and second amendments can be interpreted in different ways, depending on your particular end of the political rainbow (liberal), er ... spectrum (conservative).
The First Amendment, the most highly debated one throughout the years, grants freedom of religion and speech, but has also been used to justify pornography, the exclusion of gays from the Boy Scouts and the career of Britney Spears.
Most say our founding fathers made the amendment purposely vague; these wise men knew the best foundation for a country would be one that would be debated in the Supreme Court in countless cases, using tax payer money, forever. Great job, guys!
But of course, I am anything but anti-First Amendment. Because of it I can say what I think, you can say what you think, and if I don't like what you say, I can bust a cap in yo' face.
Oops, I see I've jumped the gun (I'm very sorry) to the Second Amendment: the right to bear arms. Less debated than the First Amendment over time, but more debated in recent times.
Ah, can't you see the gods/forefathers drafting the Ten Commandments/Amendments now? They envisioned a country where a man could protect his family, a teen could protect his country and an eight year-old could shoot his brother for his sneakers. Certainly not, but because times are not the same as when the Bill of Rights was drafted, we need a new Moses to interpret our Torah. Who is this new Moses? Who else? Charlton Heston.
Heston and his new Israel, the NRA, think they have the Second Amendment and the nation's rising youth violence problem figured out. Clearly, there are not enough guns out there. The solution is to put a gun into the hands of every man, woman, child and fetus in this great nation, and let's open up a theme restaurant while we're at it.
If anyone maliciously uses his mandated deadly weapon, then rest assured the armed good guys will be there to shoot the bad guy (and whatever pregnant woman or third grade class that might be in the line of fire) dead. Our new Moses likes his guns and he'll make sure no tree-hugging liberal will pry our guns from our cold, dead (or unborn) hands.
Alas, however, Moses has a formidable opponent this time — not the Pharaoh of Egypt, but the Pharaohess of Talk — Rosie O'Donnell. Nearly a year ago, Rosie led thousands of mothers in the Million Mom March for a day of encouraging mothers to vote for pro-gun control politicians, unification as a political movement and discussion of the latest Oprah Book Club selection. Ironically, all the moms shot themselves in the head when Rosie broke out into "Everything's Coming Up Roses."
Rosie and the liberals support gun control because they think when the forefathers gave us the right to bear arms they didn't mean the right to shoot up your high school with a semi-automatic weapon.
Heston and the right argue the more guns the better; if a teacher had had a gun at Columbine, the tragedy might have been averted.
Neither view is absolutely correct. Destroying all weapons, holding hands and singing show tunes is no more a solution than creating an all-inclusive standing militia. There are too many factors in today's society, including the media and the state of the family, for the solution to be so simple.
However, in order to distance themselves from each other, the two sides have become so extreme that their platforms are about as nuanced as bumper sticker slogans. Here's a hypothetical debate between Heston and Rosie:
Heston: Guns don't kill people; people kill people.
Rosie: It's the guns, stupid!
Heston: Let my people go … let their kids have guns.
Rosie: Kids are punny.
American public: Oh, let's kill them both and go watch "Survivor."
So whom can we blame for our violence problem? Could it be that our forefathers were wrong to begin with, that they were less than perfect?
Hubris. Blame Canada.
Amy Schill is a sophomore arts and letters major. Her column runs every other Thursday.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Thursday, April 12, 2001
