Campus rape survivor speaks out
Letter to the Editor
I am writing in regards to the article on April 3 about the Notre Dame student who was raped on March 25. As members of the Holy Cross Community of schools, we would like to believe that instances like these are rare. We attend institutions with Catholic morals at their core and we are in turn all good Christians who would never harm our neighbors. However, I would like to break down the wall of silence about rape in this community.
At the beginning of my second semester freshman year, my naíve attitude towards rape was shattered. I walked into my room after a long night of drinking and going out with a guy I thought I could trust. I lay in my bed, hoping that what had just happened to me was not true. I woke up the next morning only to be quickly reminded of the events that had occurred the night before.
I had been raped on Saint Mary's campus. I had been raped by a Notre Dame student. My world crumbled before my eyes and the eyes of my close friends that did not know what they could do for me.
To me, rape is like murder. My body was not killed, but my soul was. My energetic spirit and love for life were gone. I wanted my life to be over because I could not bare the pain of losing something that I had held sacred. My self-esteem and self worth were gone. The shame and guilt, too strong.
I suffered in a state of depression for over two months, going to bed each night hoping that I did not have to wake up the next day. During Sexual Assault Awareness week, I saw the statistics regarding rape and was troubled about how I matched each majority. But what upset me the most was matching the majority of women who never report the crime.
For most people, April 15 is the day our dreaded taxes are due. To me, it is the day after reading an ad in The Observer stating, "You may think he took everything from you, but he didn't take your voice." Then I picked up the phone, used my voice and reported my rape to Notre Dame Security.
The months that followed were excruciatingly painful. I had been forced to sit in a room with a mirror that was really a window. I spoke into a tape recorder recalling every detail about the worst night of my life, making statement after statement. I had a disciplinary hearing at Notre Dame where I was forced to sit less than 10 feet away from my attacker, only to be dismissed, disregarded and having my integrity ripped about from a University I was raised to love by my father, who is an alumnus.
I still question whether or not I should have made that phone call at all. Maybe in the long term, I will be proud of the courage I displayed in standing up for myself, but while I'm still in the short-term, I have my regrets. Reading the article and how this Notre Dame woman has not filed charges against her attacker is upsetting, but with the mindless disregard the University of Notre Dame has to rape survivors and with a society that still blames women, I understand her actions to not come forward.
It has been over a year since I was raped. I have come along way from where I was last April when I filed charges. I owe my recovery to my supportive family, my friends who stuck by me through everything, NDE 58, but mainly to God who continually showers my life with blessings and reasons to be grateful for everything I do have in my life and has provided me with the strength to overcome this adversity.
I still have my "bad" days when hearing drinking stories from my friends, having to read Observer articles about a baseball hero, who is my rapist, or trying to achieve a near impossible GPA this semester to get into the department of my major, which all serve as constant reminders of that night.
I live faced with the reality of having to tell my future husband that sex to me is not beautiful or an expression of love, but ugly, forced and painful. Or my future daughters, when I have to sit them down and tell them about college life and hoping, praying, they are not as naíve as their mother.
When I originally decided to write this letter, I was going to sign my name. Throughout coming forward and speaking to other women about what I have been through, many women have come to me and told me they were survivors as well. I would like to serve as an advocate for other rape survivors (I refuse to call us victims).
But I'm choosing to write this anonymously because I do not want to put a face or a name to rape survivors. I am just the girl that lives down the hall from you, the girl who sits behind you in history class.
The point of this letter is not to gain sympathy, but to show that no matter how much we try to deny it, how much we like to believe we live in a protective bubble from the rest of society, rape continues to occur in the Holy Cross Community of schools. That we have to become aware of these issues, become more sensitive, educated and not sit back and allow the university to permit rapists to be amongst us.
Anonymous
Saint Mary's
April 5, 2000
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, April 12, 2000
