Qualified senior prepares to graduate, seeks employment
Scott Blaszak
The Early Essays
Dear Sir or Madam:
My name is Scott Blaszak and I am currently a senior at the University of Notre Dame. I am writing in response to your client service associate position listed on GoIrish.
This May I will graduate with a degree in English, which is one of the easiest on campus. My careful four-year study of 19th century romantic novels has not prepared me in any way for employment in your client service department.
Like many of my fellow liberal arts students, I was weeded out of a more demanding college freshman year, but this has allowed me more free time to pursue extracurricular activities, which I haven't done. In my time here I have failed to join any clubs or be elected to any positions or volunteer for any projects or organizations.
Mostly I just sleep about 14 hours a day and then lie in bed watching daytime television. Sometimes I get up to eat. Lately I've taken to dating a myriad of shallow girls as a way of distracting myself from the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I describe my involvement at Notre Dame to give you a clearer picture of the type of individual I am. Hard working, energetic, cooperative — these are not words I would use to describe myself. I would opt for apathetic, passionless and arrogant instead.
For a more detailed record of my qualifications, I've included with this letter a resume for your consideration. It is nothing more than a list of organized lies on a sheet of fancy paper. The truth is I've never even been to Chile, let alone built shanties there. My career counselor told me it would be good to include something that exhibited my selflessness so I concocted this false yarn about helping the poor people of Santiago.
Though I am aware of your company's distinguished reputation and unrivaled track record, I would be lying if I said that I had any desire to work for you. In fact, I find the whole scope of your company to be boring and inconsequential.
That aside, with graduation looming I realize that my father will soon cut me off and I need to find a way of getting money so that I can continue to do the things I enjoy — things like going to movies, dining at Greek restaurants and buying clothes from Banana Republic.
Besides that, if I were to work for you I would have an answer for all these nosy people asking me of my plans after graduation. Right now, having few professional opportunities on the horizon, I usually deflect their inquiry with wit by saying that I intend to be a dirt bike racer. Ha ha ha. But while back in February this was considered cute, with May approaching I fear it comes off as pathetic.
If you do choose to hire me, I have no doubt in my mind that in no time I would sidestep responsibility, blend into the office framework, take liberties with religious holidays, abuse the company slush fund and probably even sexually harass the secretaries.
I know that you, in return, would grow disappointed with my lack of production and unprofessional attitude but would hesitate to fire me for fear that I might file suit against you or perform juvenile pranks on your car. Or both.
Please contact me via telephone at (219) 273-3169 or via email at Blaszak.2@nd.edu. I look forward to a possible interview which will allow me the opportunity to lie to you about the issues that concern me, agree with everything you say and feign excitement about joining your company.
Sincerely,
Scott Blaszak
Scott Blaszak is a senior English major. His column appears every other Wednesday.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, April 11, 2001
