Say what you will about the sheltered nature of college students, but one thing they have in common with "the real world" is their distrust of the law. Cops serve in a thankless profession, much like the military, IRS auditors and septic tank repairmen. And although their validity as "real" police officers has been challenged lately, they are no less praiseworthy for their efforts. Even if they do write me a lot of parking violations.

Most of you have your own hometown anecdotes about people who have had less than happy run-ins with the law, and you realize that our Notre Dame experiences pale in comparison. We have it made considering how South Bend's finest feel about us. (So NDSP, could you, uh, take care of those tickets for me? No? Well, it was worth a try.)

When the privileged life of a college student shelters him or her from the harsh realities that wait upon graduation, it can help to now and again remind the student how lucky he, or she, or it is to be here. In this spirit, I would like to see our beloved flat-foots give us the treatment we deserve.

To me, one word signifies a beneficial use of the tuition increases: Tasers. Lots of them, the kind that would put an elephant on its duff. These toys would help us make great strides in reaching an unprecedented level of respect and obedience. You don't want a ticket? Fair enough, I'll turn you into a human night light.

And while we're discussing friendly devices, I'd like to recall the "mini-riot" that occurred last year. One thought kept crossing my mind: why don't they have tear gas? And you think parietals are harsh now. Besides, working at the gate must get rather monotonous, and it would be more fun to fire canisters at students walking from the `Backer. If there are any questions as to the effectiveness of this happy gas, the Sierra Club and PETA could probably provide thorough testimonials, not to mention videotapes.

But let us not digress to a topic of past columns. I would not suggest that using tear gas or rubber bullets on students would be good in any way, even if we could make some great blooper videos from the whole deal. Our campus law enforcement could accomplish some serious good if they acted in the same manner as so-called "real" cops. Take, for example, the controversial "racial profiling" that occurs in police departments around our nation. Regardless of how immoral you consider this, I want you to consider a new concept: preppie profiling.

This would be built on less inflammatory but similar logic: statistically speaking, preppies have the most complaints and cause the most trouble with Notre Dame Security Police. Therefore, random checks of vehicles containing preppies would help decrease these incidents and deter them. Just when you thought it was safe to drive around campus in your sport utility vehicle.

"Hey there Chadwick, have you been watching 90210? I think you'd better step out of the car..."

Fear not, my friends, if you find my ideas about law enforcement a bit fascist, you can take comfort in knowing that these people will never treat us the way we sometimes deserve.

• COPS: Live at Notre Dame