When the war with Iraq began, I was pretty uncomfortable about it. I thought that I wanted peace, so naturally I tried to work for justice. But it seems justice didn't want me to work for it. It was very uncommunicative, it didn't let me know what it needed done, it didn't pay me anything.

Me: What do you want me to do?

Justice: Screws?

Me: No, do. Do. What should I do?

Justice: Nah-uh. Not here. Use the bathroom.

After that, I was unemployed for a few days, but I stayed positive about what else was out there, which I think was my secret.

I stayed "with it." I decided to ignore the war with Iraq and join a war that is more my speed. I joined the war on drugs.

Drugs are bad — that seems to be pretty well accepted. I say no to them all the time. They don't even ask me anything and I say no because I know that anything they ask will be bad (like them).

So I hopped a bus to Detroit as my alter ego, Chad Underhill. I planned on using my body to turn drugs into not-drugs, but first I had to purchase some product. I asked around in Detroit and eventually I was pointed to a man in a puffy coat.

I regained consciousness in a nearby alleyway to find a man named Barry nuzzling me.

"Want to ride up to Detroit with me?" asked Barry.

What? Wasn't I already in Detroit?

"I'm krunked up," stated Barry.

My ears perked a little bit when I heard this. It meant that Barry and I were fighting the same war, plus he sounded really enthusiastic.

Barry produced a bottle and shot me a knowing look.

"This stuff has got to be drugs, this is the real deal," I thought, "Liver do your thing!"

We both took a swig. "I'm set for the day!" proclaimed an awed Barry.

I, on the other hand, was shocked.

Right then, I knew that Barry wasn't like me. I told him off big time, "The war is not nearly over. You don't just stop fighting like that. I don't think I'll be joining you in Detroit."

I quit fighting soon after my disheartening encounter with Barry. I'm actually back working for justice. Yeah, I know, but it's better than nothing.

Besides, the drug war was considerably cutting into the time I had free to spend looking at Japanese-style anime pornography at the various computer labs located around campus. J/K. TTYL!

• "If you want peace..."