Forgive and forget or forget forgiving?
Jacqueline Browder
Happily Ever After
When it comes to cheating in a relationship, when should you forgive and forget and when should you forget forgiving?
We all enter into relationships with varied expectations and project different levels of commitment to our significant others. For example, some couples make the decision, mutually, to become exclusive. Some relationships, however, are simply mutually exclusive. The larger question may be: In a world of break-ups, make-ups and random hook-ups, what even counts as cheating these days?
Could it be simplified down to the numbers and be directly proportional to the length of time you've been dating? For example, if two people have been dating for a month or so and then one of the parties gets a little more than chemistry notes from their lab partner one night, is that considered cheating or simply dating around?
The line is blurred and the terms are vague. When exclusivity has never been discussed within a new relationship, we often consider it perfectly acceptable to test the waters or at least give others a watered down version of our relationship status with our current love interest. However, when a relationship hits that proverbial let's-talk-about-us stage, the boundaries are often set and the idea of cheating takes on a larger, more ominous implication.
Cheating has always been a part of the dating scene. It's practically biblical- after all, the prophet Abraham had dozens of wives. Cheating is a notion that U.S. presidents have embraced, songwriters have put to music and the Academy has given Oscars to for best actor in their various philandering roles. However, though cheating may be biblical, presidential and even cinematic, it's usually not quite forgivable.
After all, can you really forgive someone who has stolen your heart?
The funny thing about cheating is that, in the real world, cheating and stealing are criminal offenses. When we cheat on a test, we fail the class, or at least are guaranteed a date with Bill Kirk. When we steal from a store, we suffer the consequences, à la Winona Ryder. However, when someone steals our hearts and then cheats on us, it is the cheated that often suffers the consequences. The cheater may be left feeling guilty, but the cheated is left hurt, confused and angry.
Let's be honest. Cheating on someone isn't painful. Being cheated on is. Flirting isn't cheating. Looking isn't cheating. Admiring isn't cheating. However, when the ante is upped and we begin to play for keeps in a relationship, the misdemeanors can add up.
Yes, people do make mistakes in their relationship endeavors — ones that they can be very sorry for. And sometimes, depending on both the people and the specific relationship, cheating is forgivable — or at least correctable. After all, many relationships survive it, some are defined by it and some never encounter it.
However, in any situation, it's still not considered the way to properly behave in a relationship. And the worst thing possible is to try and downplay it. No matter what kind of spin we put on our actions — blaming it on the atmosphere, the attraction or even the Amstel Light — rationalizing cheating by is really just adding insult to injury.
That said, there very well could be a simple, quick solution to the problems we have with cheating — mainly as a means of deterrence. It's been said that in the old days, if a man were caught stealing, they would cut off his hand to make him pay for his crime. Now imagine what they would cut off if he were caught cheating on his wife.
Just a thought.
In a perfect world no one would cheat or be cheated on — nor would they even want to. We would be happy with ourselves and our relationships and never be found wanting. However, we don't live in a perfect world and we're not a perfect people. We make mistakes. We are forgiven for some of them. Others we are not. We simply have to learn from them and endure the consequences.
With cheating, it's not easy to forgive and almost impossible to forget. As proportional the cheating scale is to time and commitment, it's not a matter of numbers divided and offenses committed. And no matter what the result, we always take it as an equation of the heart.
Jacqueline Browder is a senior American Studies major and journalism minor. You may contact her at jbrowder@nd.edu.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, March 26, 2003
