I want to be a professional athlete, not a role model
Brian Churney
What I want to be when I grow up:
Someday I want to be a professional athlete. I want to hear the crowds cheering for me. I want to be on television so that all of the little kids can look up to me. But I don't want to be a role model. I just want them to watch me play sports, not anything else. That's my private life.
I want to make a lot of money. That way I can buy too many expensive cars, wear lots of jewelry and bribe the cops just like Sebastian Janikowski did.
If I have a lot of money, then I can behave any way that I want like Dennis Rodman. Go ahead, fine me a $13,500 in five games this season; I make $12,195 per game. I'll make it back in just over a game.
Plus, Rodman doesn't even have to go to practice or do anything but show up for the games.
My coach always tells me to practice like I want to play, but I think he's full of it. Dennis doesn't have to, why do I?
Sometimes I just want to choke my coach, like Latrell Spreewell. Things worked out pretty well for him. Now he's on a better team and everyone loves him. He's the American dream. I didn't see any shoe contracts before he choked him. That would feel good. Next time the coach makes me run, maybe I'll choke him.
All of the pro athletes get away with anything they want. I want to get away with everything too. No one ever gets pros in trouble, unless they do something really bad like commit murder. Even then, they can usually hire Johnny Cochran to get them off.
They can beat their girlfriends like Lawrence Phillips or drink too much like Steve Howe. They can do drugs like Leon Lett or get prostitutes like Eugene Robinson. If they want to they can do both like Daryl Strawberry and Michael Irvin.
The best thing is that even when they do get in trouble, they get lots of chances. How many has Daryl had? And everyone just feels sorry for the athletes if they get caught.
They get some great discounts at department stores because everyone recognizes them, especially at Dillard's. I hear that's where some of the best athletes hang out. You have to be good for that though. For most athletes, that's just stealing. For a good athlete, it's a gift from God.
And talk about being popular. Pro athletes get all of the girls. They have lots of kids too; kids that people want them to take care of. I wish I were a pro star's kid. Then he could send me $1,000 per month in child support from his million-dollar check. Everyone would call him a good dad and I'd agree. I could brag to everyone that my dad was Shawn Kemp.
I'd love to see him maybe once a year, but athletes are busy, he probably wouldn't have time for me. Oh well.
People say that sports have too much violence, but I don't think so. Some of my favorite stuff is the fighting. Marty McSorely is so cool. Did you see the way he jacked up that guy? Sometimes I think the only thing that's interesting about hockey is the fighting and the violence.
Or how about when the baseball players brawl? They get suspended sometimes, but the cops stay out of it.
People shouldn't criticize them so much. They have a tough job and have to release their tension somehow. It's only natural to want to fight.
Being an athlete has a lot of hard things too though, like watching what you say. I learned in class about the first amendment stating that I can say whatever I want no matter the ignorance, stupidity or meanness of it.
But for athletes, that doesn't apply. I mean look at John Rocker and Reggie White. Well, at least John Rocker, nothing really happened to Reggie. He's the most hated man in sports and for good reason. What he did was wrong. He should've gone and snorted cocaine instead. At least then, fans would be sad instead of mad.
Athletes can't bet either. But I wouldn't do that. I know how bad that is. Look at Pete Rose. He bet and they won't let him ever come back to baseball. I agree. Baseball can't risk ruining its reputation by letting a gambler back in. They should just stick to people that throw firecrackers at little kids like Vince Coleman or wife-beaters like Wil Cordero or even players that play hard all the time and appreciate the fans like Albert Belle.
Despite all of these tough things though, I want to grow up just like those guys. That way, kids like me now can try to be like me when I grow up. But I don't think I should have to be a role model. I want them to want to be like me, but not to BE like me.
Sincerely,
Your everyday kid
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer
All Sports Stories for Thursday, March 2, 2000
