Some changes I'd like to make
Scott Little
just a little
Every place has some good and some bad. It comes with the territory. If you have nice grass, you probably have nice weeds. If you enjoy cheesecake, you probably have fat thighs. Just like Bret Michaels told us, "Every Rose has its Thorns"; Notre Dame has some thorns too. But I think we can trim them off and spend more time smelling nice.
Here are some suggestions: I think the girl's dorms shouldn't be locked up during the day. Everyone knows bad stuff only happens at night. Every once in a while we hear about bad gender relations. Well, that might be due to the fact that the boys are locked out of the girl's dorms. And in the big scheme of things, men are still basically the predators and we are the ones to go out and hunt for girls. In the meantime I encourage all girls to cut through boys dorms on their way to class so we can all get a good look at you.
I would also like to propose something for the ROTC people. If they are going to look all too serious in their fancy uniforms anyway, they might as well also yell out "Hut, two, three, four" all the time when they are wearing their uniform. They would look a lot more professional. I also think that more people would be interested in joining ROTC programs if they gave out weapons earlier in the program. Then we could have a Notre Dame gun club that would have parties where crazy bald guys fire bullets out of their mouths.
Yet another conventional desire I have is to have a shoelace store on campus. Currently there is only one length and one style of shoelace that can be bought on campus at the bookstore: 45-inch Notre Dame shoelaces. There is a lot more out there.
One neat religious change: Drill a hole in Touchdown Jesus' mouth, and in the winter we could blow steam out of it to make it look like he is breathing.
College is often a time where a lot of us lose touch with our little kid inner selves. To remind us of the simple joys in life, I propose that we put in a roller coaster in North Quad and a jungle gym in front of South Dining Hall. The jungle gym would also solve the problem of people clogging up the area in and around the dining hall, because everyone would be out playing on it.
Along those same lines, I think every Friday with nice weather should be "Hot-Air Balloon Friday." On Hot-Air Balloon Fridays, hot air balloons with big ND symbols on them would take off from the golf course. About 100 kids would get the chance every Friday. And the cost would be $10. We might as well have a recess time too. I know technically anytime could be recess time now, but if we were required to do it, those study-aholics would be forced to get outside and breathe fresh air instead of sucking on their smartbreath inhalers.
Another idea that would bring us closer to our youth would be a room about the size of Debartolo 101 and instead of walls it had giant Light Bright boards on its sides. And the floor would be two feet deep in light bright parts. That could even be a class, Light Bright Art Class.
And what about sledding? That is a fun youthful activity, but there are virtually no sledding hills around here. So let's build a Mount ND. I'm sure there is some money lying around somewhere for something like that. We could put Mount ND right by one of the lakes, and in the summer we could put a giant water-slide on the mountain that pours out into one of the lakes.
A few more quick ideas are a "Maintenance melt the snow day," waterbeds in the dorms, another college within the University for clowns and a "kiss your favorite nun day."
And my last idea for a change is for everyone on the Notre Dame staff to get a wax figure made out of them and then we will get a giant aquarium like the one at Sea World and put all the wax figures in it. Then fill the aquarium with clear gelatin, and watch the fun as all the figures end up in weird places.
Student elections just happened, so if you are one of the students with power and are reading this, I know I am not alone in my views, so let's see some changes. Let's make ND a nirvana.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Scene Stories for Wednesday, March 1, 2000
