Hurray for Election 2000! Hurray for the top two tickets and the judicial council for orchestrating such a remarkable comedic display about the fallacies inherent in seemingly simple election process! All of your tomfoolery has truly made us laugh! And hurray for ME!!! I was fortunate enough to have been a candidate in this calamity – and to all of the 109 people who voted for "Stu" Pardon and me, we thank you. And to all of our friends who didn't vote for us, it's OK. I highly doubt that your support would have constituted the additional 48 percent we needed to capture the majority of the vote and become, outright, the two most overrated students on campus.

Since I believe that my political activism, though grossly ill fated, has established myself as a student leader and ambassador to at least 109 students, I feel that I need to address some current issues that have been cluttering The Observer on behalf of my people. So I'm just going to go ahead and start calling people out:

To all the concerned students and alumni that have been martyred by the tortuous student chants at the UConn game: Re-lax. You should hear what people say at international soccer matches.

To all those screaming bloody murder over the recent cartoon in The Observer concerning COBA's (the college that I patronize) misconception about who Kofi Annan is: Re-lax. It was a joke. I think we all know it wasn't an attempt to solicit any racist propaganda.

To all the highly qualified sex experts that until recently were filling the paper with their high 'n' mighty sermons, condemning pre-marital sex: Re-lax. I guess I've always heeded this gem of advice: Don't knock it until you've rocked it.

Lastly, I'd like to just lay a proposal on the proverbial table. The next time any of us feel like being grossly over dramatic and reactionary just for the sake of adding drama, remember this: RE-LAX. Whatever you're about to slit your throat about probably isn't worth it. Forty years from now, is it really going to matter? Hell, four years from now is "A Depraved New World" or the fact that other people freely choose to have sex still going to make your blood boil? Probably not. And if you do foresee that it will: Re-lax. And when you've cooled down, head to the proctologist; something may indeed be stuck.

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