Mating of praying mantises teaches wise dating lessons
JACQUELINE BROWDER
In Vogue
Sometimes I feel that life would be better lived as a praying mantis. Oh yes, the lanky, green insects we pay little heed to live the life of goddesses. They meet their partner, mate and then eat them. Could life be any better? All the joys of dating, and they even get a free meal out of it.
Think about it. None of the awkward silences. No expensive gifts. Obligation is at a minimum, and, aside from the devoured partner, everyone goes home happy.
However, the odds are that if you are reading this, then you're probably not a praying mantis. (Or if you are, you're an extremely gifted bug.) And because the dating rituals of these insects aren't commonly analogous to the human world, chances are that for you, dating isn't quite so effortless.
Let's face it. We all spend a great deal of our time thinking about, noticing and chasing the opposite sex. It's like a game of tag in grade school — except dating offers better benefits than proclaiming a person "it." Dating is, really, a great idea. It's a way to attain all sorts of important people skills, brings a new twist to your weekend activities and it gives you someone to celebrate with on national holidays.
As wonderful as dating sounds, however, there is a catch — you have to get there. And when it comes down to it, praying mantises aside, it's not always as easy as meeting and mating. There's a certain protocol that is involved in modern dating. This is where problems arise, as it seems that men and women have been given different handbooks on dating etiquette.
The men's handbook, in short, reads as follows:
1. When you say you'll call on Sunday, this translates into Wednesday, after the hockey game.
2. A kiss is just a kiss. Period.
3. Anniversaries really only matter when you're married, right?
4. Communication is always at a minimum. If you can't say it in 10 minutes, it's not worth being said.
5. Watching the game and having a Bud with the boys is a perfectly acceptable reason to not see your girlfriend on a Friday night.
6. Eyeing other women while on a date is only human.
7. Male bonding time is priceless.
8. Women should automatically know all of the above.
The women's guide to dating is quite different. It's not "The Rules," but it's a precise and rarely yielding set of codes and regulations that reads as such:
1. Long, deep conversations about "us" are essential for building relationships.
2. When you get half an inch trimmed off your hair, a boy should notice.
3. If he doesn't call for two days, this is cause for alarm.
4. You should be treated the same, if not better, in front of his friends.
5. They're not chick flicks — they're date movies.
6. He should be able to meet all of your expectations, even if you don't voice them.
7. When you tell him that nothing is wrong, of course you don't mean it.
8. "You look great tonight," should be a staple in his vocabulary.
The life of a praying mantis looks better and better doesn't it? None of the anxiety, none of the confusion. However, there are cases when the guide books merge and everything eventually falls into place.
There is a way to incorporate men's and women's dating etiquette to fit most circumstances, particularly if you're patient. It's not a hopeless cause. There are exceptions to every rule, of course — especially when alcohol in introduced into the situation — but cases like these bring their own set of guidelines.
Unfortunately, we can't live our lives as easily as a praying mantis. Instead we're obligated to go about dating in a perilous and erratic manner that is far from the ease of the meeting and mating phenomenon. However, when it comes down to it, dating really is a great idea — as long as it's not "insect-ual."
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Scene Stories for Wednesday, February 28, 2001
