End the corrupt regime of Grab 'n' Go
Eric Long
Fitter, Happier ...
I've held out for a long time, but I want to incite a food revolution.
When I walk into South Dining Hall's Grab `n' Go room, I feel like a weary nomad stumbling upon a bountiful oasis after years of wandering the desert. Every variety of nutrient-packed Vitner's brand snack food lines the shelves. Is today a Sour Cream n' Onion day, or a Tangy Cheese day? Either way, I can't lose.
At North, however, I face a limited number of snacks. I bitterly remember days when, trying to instill a new conscientiousness for my health, I wanted pretzels but had to go with greasy corn chips or cheese popcorn. Beware of the cheese popcorn — it's a veritable heart attack in a bag.
At South, the coolers are stocked with dozens of fine sandwiches, which I am allowed to browse with impunity. If upon hefting the roast beef and cheddar I decide that turkey on wheat is more my taste, I can replace the sandwich and choose a new one. I can even select the choicest turkey sandwich of the bunch, opting for one without that weird luncheon meat slime, if I can find one, that is.
Compared to South, the sandwich system at North represents nothing less than outright tyranny. I am required to select the name of my entrée from a sometimes barely legible menu on a marker board, often under pressure from my fellow students and the lunchroom attendant.
If I order peanut butter and jelly and the attendant snatches the sloppiest sandwich in the cooler for me — I trust you know what I mean — the sandwiches with goopy peanut butter oozing out of the bun and moreover you just know the jelly is going to slime out when you take a bite — what should I do? Tell them I want a sandwich with less nastiness? I hardly think so. The attendants work hard, and they probably dislike the system as much as I do.
Perhaps the most startling aspect of Grab `n' Go at South is the fresh fruit and pastry section. What wild and exotic fruits appear before me! Plums, pears and kiwis are established regulars in South's fruit stand, while over at North a meager, dusty pear occasionally makes a cameo showing.
At South, bagels, cookies and delicious fresh-baked pastries spill out of the rustic bins. But look closer. I have seen up to four varieties of bagel, rice crispies treats and cookie bars while North's tiny bagel bowl and shelf of hockey puck cookies pale in comparison.
From this brief summary of grievances, anyone can see the woeful inequality between North and South Grab `n' Go. I have often imagined that South Dining Hall is better stocked with food and drink because it is the food service's mother ship, while North has become a mere satellite cafeteria. What is to be done? Why not simply transport more goods to North? I will personally volunteer to carry a box of potato chips or a crate of fruit from South to North, if that's what it takes.
But I've got bigger fish to fry. I wonder who established the magic number of four sides and one sandwich for Grab `n' Go. Why four? Four was a very important number for ancient Mediterranean cultures, but I seriously doubt that explanation. Is it some kind of sick reference to the food groups? "Let's see, a milk for dairy, a juice box for fruit, a cereal container for grains, a bag of nacho cheese chips for a second dairy and a turkey wrap for meat and, hey, there's even some lettuce in here." The Grab `n' Go diet is not healthy, and I don't recommend supporting oneself on it for extended time periods.
Now imagine the same meal supplemented with extra pieces of fruit, a bagel or a yogurt and one of those midget water bottles. Sounds good, right? Maybe not, but it certainly represents a leap in the right direction. Maybe sometime in the distant future, when the historical conditions align themselves, the great unwashed mass of Grab `n' Go regulars will rise up and overthrow the corrupt regime. So keep shrinking the juice boxes, capitalist swine. You sow the seeds of your own doom.
Eric Long is a junior PLS major. He can be contacted at long.31@nd.edu. His column appears every other Wednesday.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, February 27, 2002
