The absurdity of international anti-Americanism
Mike Marchand
Undistinguished Alumnus
Author's note: This column is a parody. All names have been changed, or made up entirely.
Washington
President George V.F.W. Bush is confused.
"Maybe I'm just stupid or something," the President said after returning from a trip to Japan, South Korea and China. "I don't know how so many people could be so confused about what we're trying to accomplish in the war on `tera.' I don't get it."
Since his State Of The Union Address on Jan. 29, Bush has been the recipient of mostly high praise in America, but mostly condescending criticism from abroad. Most of the response centers on a snippet of the speech in which he labeled the countries of Iraq, Iran, North Korea and other terrorism-sponsoring countries, as an "axis of evil."
Some European diplomats, who have never thought highly of the Texan President, scoffed at that characterization. German Foreign Minister Poschka Wischer said such a viewpoint "gets us nowhere." European Union External Affairs Commissioner Priss Ratten called the comments "absolutist" and in "unilateralist overdrive." And French Foreign Minister Pubert Vedrasinine clamored that Bush's speech was "absurd" and "simplistic."
Asked to elaborate on the comments that American foreign policy under President Bush was too naïve and unsophisticated, French Undersecretary of Snootiness E. Letist Prix noted, "Ignorant Americans and their practicality. Everyone who's anyone knows that the only good foreign policy is a complicated one, indecipherable to friend and foe alike. Who cares if America's allies and enemies know where America stands against terrorism? It's overrated, I tell you." When confronted by the fact that he was French, and they evidently don't know how to judge figure skating, much less world politics, Undersecretary Prix turned his nose up in the air and turned on a Jerry Lewis movie.
As for the critique of the United States being too "unilateralist," European Union Deputy of Stiffassed Condescension Arrow Gant Parvenu declared, "The greatest threat the world faces is an America that doesn't respect the efforts of its European allies." When challenged by Bush's belief that the world's greatest threat is actually rogue nations with weapons of mass destruction, like Iraq, Iran and North Korea, Parvenu said, "What? Who?" Then, after being questioned about what exactly the efforts of Europe in the war on terror actually were, he stuck his fingers in his ears and said, "I'm not listening, la la la la la la la la."
However, Bush has also been challenged stateside. Senate Majority Leader Bom Weasle said, "we've got to be very careful with rhetoric of that kind," and further asserted that the case had not yet been made for going after Iraq. Bush's challenger in the election, former Vice President Hal Bore, warned that the United States ran the risk of alienating its allies. And former President Ninny Farter called the "axis of evil" label "counterproductive ... I think it will take years before we can repair the damage done by that statement."
Faced with a situation where it seems that the world, even his allies, are against him, Bush responded to the criticism that his new policy is too simple: "Of course it's simple," the President continued. "That's the whole idea. I want every American, every American ally and every American enemy to know that we will eliminate the threat of terrorism against us. What's wrong with that? We've never won wars by being complicated. We've won them by standing up to the evil we face. And when I tried to say that, I was attacked, not them.
"Oh, and then to top it all off, this whole `unilateralist' thing. I never said we wouldn't consult with our allies and include them in any military action. I just said that we would no longer let evildoers threaten us with `tera.' If that means neutralizing them before they can attack us again, that's what we'll do. If that's wrong, then I'll be wrong, if it means defending our country and our citizens."
Meanwhile, we tracked down an average Iraqi citizen and asked him about Bush's comments, and whether or not he believes the Iraqi dictator, Sodamn Inssein, is "evil." "Hell yes, he's evil. He gassed Kurds and Iranians, and launched Scud missiles at Tel Aviv. He's holding chemical and biological weapons, is trying to get a nuke, and is using us, his starving subjects, as human shields so America doesn't bomb them." He would have continued, but he was interrupted by government agents who dragged him into the street and shot him.
So, evidently it's official: if regimes are evil, that's one thing, but actually stepping out and calling them evil is far worse. This is a theory lost on President Bush, who is wondering why so many people were left confused by his speech. "I tried to say that there are brutal leaders who want to destroy us with weapons of mass destruction," Bush said, "and they're quibbling over how I said it. Did they miss it entirely?"
Vice President Chick Deney leaned into the Oval Office and said, "Big time."
Mike Marchand, class of 2001, an analyst for RealClearPolitics and a contributor to The Politix Group, is no stranger to being made fun of. If you'd like to take your best shot, e-mail him at Marchand.3@nd.edu. "Undistinguished Alumnus" appears every other Monday.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Monday, February 25, 2002
