OK,

Here is what I think. It is wrong for you to show compassion towards Ben when he thinks you are punishing him when you get smad (sad and mad at the same time — this word should be in the dictionary) and frustrated at your relationship with him.

If you feel a certain way, and you express it, there is nothing wrong with that. Just understand the consequences of it, and if you don't want to feel a certain way, believe in yourself that you have control over your feelings even though sometimes it is easier to just follow your feelings around.

Picture it like this: You are walking a dog. Your feelings are the dog, and you are you. The leash is your brain. And the dog's brain is your heart.

You can let the dog go where it wants, and it will probably be awesome and fun, but more poop will get eaten and more dirt will be rolled around in.

On the other hand, if you take the dog where you want, you can get more exercise and run in a straight line. And the dog learns you are in control, and he still likes you and licks your face and humps your leg, but every once in a while he'll try to jump on other dogs, but you just have to be strong and not let him go.

You can still let your dog's brain lead you to cool places, but just be conscious of it, and be able to pull on the leash when you see a big steamy doo up ahead, or a big mean dog or a crazy bum with a shotgun. You will still love the dog and listen to it, just be the owner, be responsible for him and take care of him.

Also, when you say that when you and Ben don't talk for a while, you feel isolated — that is because you spend so much time with him. Go to the bars or the bowling alleys or play some bingo at the local VFW. I know you're a senior, but meet some people you can talk to about stuff and see the fun things there are around you.

You also said that you don't think about Ben as much, but then contradict yourself by writing a super-long e-mail to me, basically all about him:

"However, I don't think about the situation too much right now. If I did, I could make myself crazy with it and feel like I have to go talk to him about it. For now, I'm just laying low and trusting that things will work out in the end."

I would say that the less you think about it the better, but don't try to not think about it. The way to stop thinking about it is to stimulate your mind by doing things that you normally haven't been doing. Doing homework sucks because so often it's just boring, and your mind will travel to the Ben-thoughts. So take a few ego risks and have some fun in new ways.

Also, you don't really point out good things about Ben. I mean, I know he is a great guy and you two have been through a lot, but you can so specifically point out the things that are wrong and bad. I don't know if this is working out. Realize that you are sort of physically addicted to him too, and that can heavily influence your decisions and even moods sometimes. Try to realize that and take control of it.

Make sure you don't burden your friends by only talking about your problems. You are a fun person, so talk about fun stuff that you have in common. At times like this (the screwed up, emotional times), it is so easy to just get deeply involved in your own thoughts and problems. The truth is not a lot of other people care about that stuff; at least, that is what I have found.

I know both of us kind of consider Mom a martyr, and I want to make sure that you don't let that happen to you, too. She is constantly sacrificing herself for the well-being of our family. And although we are both really thankful for that, I can't help thinking that martyrdom just isn't worth it unless a bunch of people ends up worshipping you.

So, don't begin your own martyrdom by keeping your emotions to yourself and "bearing the pain" of the relationship to keep your man happy. That's not fair, unless he is hiding a large group of people from you that think you are awesome.

Erin and I had lunch today. I was very entertaining. She is still very standoffish, but I grabbed her and hugged her too, and she seemed OK with that. I know I can't do it again though, for like a week. When I see her I just want to jump on her ... and lick her, and more. Woof.

-Scott E. Boy

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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