The methods of dumping
Joe Larson
Principles of Idiocracy
In lieu of Valentine's Day and the month of February being extremely boring around these parts, my last column was an attempt at laying out some strategies to aid the everyday, lovelorn, sexually frustrated Notre Dame or Saint Mary's student in finding a date during these dire times.
Well, Valentine's Day is over and Spring Break is coming up. You know, it's been great, but it's been a long couple of weeks and I think that your target is probably pretty sick of you by now. You're really great, but it's time to move on to something new and you already fulfilled the need to have a date on Valentine's Day. So, I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's over. This column is going to try and inform you people about what could possibly be happening to you right now. It's going to explain to you the ways you could be about to get dumped.
Now, people are constantly trying to vary their strategies for the almighty dump, but really there are three basic and classic ways to dump someone. Granted, variations are made, but these are pretty much it.
By far the worst way to get dumped is the cruel and uncompromising "Fade." The "Fade" involves the dumper simply stopping all conversation and interaction with the dumped. One day, everything's fine and dandy and then the next day, nothing. They don't return phone calls, they don't show up where you are, they just simply make themselves scarce until eventually they have faded completely out of view.
This form leaves the dumped with exactly zero legs to stand on. Since all forms of communication are severed instantly, the dumped has no chance to find out what went wrong or even throw a few sporadic insults at the person breaking their heart. Also, after the "Fade" has been identified, the dumped is left with a sensitive quandary.
Because of the unexplained and abrupt ending of their previous relationship, the terms for post-breakup interaction have not been laid out and therefore, if the dumped runs into the dumper at a later date, confusion ensues. Who knows if the dumper just wants to be friends and still talk to the dumped or absolutely loathes the person and breaks out in hives at the sight of them?
Basically, the "Fade" vaguely insinuates that you're not supposed to ever talk to your former date again. But due to the utter lack of communication, no one really knows and the dumped is left to wonder in the dark forever.
The most common form of dumping is the not quite compassionate but at least remotely thoughtful "Martyr" technique. This form usually involves a lot of explanation but it basically hinges on these five words: "It's not you, it's me." See, the person doesn't want to date you anymore, but they don't have the heart, or pills, to actually tell you why. They'll compliment you until they're blue in the face, but then tell you that they just can't handle a relationship right now or that they need to be alone or something.
They tell you they're sacrificing your relationship for your own good, not theirs. Even though the break-up will inevitably make them miserable because not having you around will be so terrible for them, for your sake they are willing to bite the bullet and take the pain. This is all crap, by the way. They really just don't want to date you anymore.
An interesting twist on the "Fade" is the "Trading Baseball Cards" clause. This is most commonly stated by the dumper suggesting to the dumped, "let's be friends." This is even more cruel than the break-up itself. Most obviously, this screams to the dumped that the person still wants to experience their witty banter and enlightening intelligence, but they'd rather trade baseball cards with you than ever touch you again.
This clause is like flashing a sign that reads, "It's not so much your personality that turns me off, it's your overall physical appearance." I mean, it's hard enough not eating mashed potatoes and gravy every time you go to the dining hall, but do you really need someone to explicitly tell you you're just not that attractive? Then again, it makes sense. No one ever said getting dumped was nice, did they?
The fourth form of dumping is the "Clothesline." This is the least-used form probably because it's the easiest for the dumped to swallow. This, of course, is where the dumper flattens the dumped with a straight-up, flat-out rejection to their face. Though at first this knocks you over like a WWF wrestler, the effects have less duration because of the outward cruelty of the act.
How great could the person be if they are so heartless as to not even mask their contempt for you with lies? These people were not willing to take any blame for the break-up, even if they knew it was a lie just to lessen the blow against you. I mean, if a person does this, they are clearly vicious and life-sucking anyway, so you can move on much quicker now that you know they have no soul.
These aren't nice thoughts, but I'm sorry, the train is inevitably going to chug on down the line and most likely run you over just when you think you're in the clear. Spring is coming people, and if you're not careful, you could be on the wrong side of this inevitable collision. Don't worry about this though, beacuse if anyone asks you you can always say you just needed some time for yourself, anyway.
Joe Larson is a senior English and history major. His column appears every other Wednesday. He can be reached at jlarson@nd.edu.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, February 20, 2002
