Love and baseball
Jacqueline Browder
Happily Ever After
Would modern courtship be easier if relationships had concrete, traditional and universally followed rules? In these days of quick breakups, quick make-ups and even quicker random hookups, it may be time to establish some rules and regulations.
Considering that the ultimate goal of dating is often to score, the rules of the dating game might best be suited to the rules of a sporting event. And, as pitchers and catchers have already reported for spring training in the major leagues, maybe dating would be best suited to follow the rules of a traditional, regulated sport — like baseball.
Looking at it from a certain perspective, it makes sense. We already talk about dating in terms of bases — first, second, third and, of course, the proverbial home run. Baseball is also the only sport where the offensive team doesn't control the ball, which can often be said for our relationships. And, like in baseball, everyone gets an equal opportunity at bat. What we do with the ball — hit, miss or simply strike out — is up to us.
So, if love adhered to the rules of baseball, the basic guidelines would follow the typical format of a nine inning, base running, three-strikes-and-you're-out baseball game.
Here are the basics.
For starters, players would be split evenly into two equal teams. Consider it "A League of their Own" meets "Bull Durham." Our official arenas for competition would be the local establishments that we frequent late at night, and we would often hold evening games on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays.
It would be civilized, orderly, and we could even keep score. After all, in life we've always preferred to rate things according to numbers. We pour over the AP and Coaches' polls, we watch Letterman's top 10 list and we even tune in to an oversexed bachelor's countdown from four to one on "Elimidate." Isn't it fitting then, that we evaluate our relationships in terms of one, two, three strikes … you're out?
We could even keep statistics on our prospective players and see their past hits, misses and overall records. We could then decide whether or not to draft them into our hearts.
And, if dating was an organized sport, we'd all have to follow certain rules in order to maintain our eligibility status. Penalties might include bad behavior, too many strikeouts or poor performance — thus keeping only the best players in the league. We could even send the worst offenders back to the minors or at least send them to the dugout for life.
After all, we learn the basics early enough. We all start in the minors — better known as Junior High — and then work our way up to the big leagues. However, no matter what league we're playing in, the basic rules inevitably remain the same. Why not regulate them so that everyone is on the same theoretical playing field? Talk about your field of dreams. If everyone knew the rules, dating could become America's new pastime and the main event of the season.
Besides, if dating followed the rules and regulations that govern baseball, there would be certain benefits for all players. For example, in times of dire need, we could all have a relief pitcher to come in and save the game, at least for a night. There would always be someone on deck. Further, double plays in a single evening would be considered impressive, but bordering on bad behavior. And, of course, foul balls would never be permitted.
However, like Mighty Casey, who so nobly and boastfully went to bat, there would be expectations to uphold. If a player gets a great hit, he should round the bases with pride, but have the integrity not to tell the rest of his team all the details after the game. Similarly, if a player strikes an opposing player out, there's no need for her to ridicule the fallen ballplayer as he trots back to the dugout. After all, sometimes there is no joy in Mudville — we all strike out.
Unfortunately, the rules and regulations that govern America's traditional pastime may never apply to the social arenas where we throw out our own game. Although it would be a tempting offer, it isn't entirely appropriate to banish someone to the dugout for life. In fact, when it comes to the rules and regulations of relationships, we're pretty much on our own.
And, as great as our own personal batting average may be, it's never as simple as one, two, three strikes you're out. And sometimes, the best players are the ones that should be sent back to the minors. Dating, it seems, is a game that is played by many, understood by few and regulated on a play-by-play basis.
However, whether we hit with the big leagues or perpetually strike out — we always get another chance at bat.
Jacqueline Browder is a senior American Studies major and journalism minor. Her column appears every other Wednesday. You may contact her at jbrowder@nd.edu.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, February 19, 2003
