"The Beach" might look like the last paradise on earth but the movie smells worse than the Staten Island dumping ground. No creative party involved earned their paycheck in this landmark tribute to bad moviemaking and, to make matters worse, the film desecrates its source material, an impressive debut novel by Alex Garland. Somehow, the previously successful Danny Boyle ("Trainspotting") has directed something so inept that the entire tricky camera moves in Thailand cannot save his hide.

In Leonardo DiCaprio's first role since Titanic, the actor turned movie-star bulks up to play Richard, a 20-something backpacker who scours the Islands of Thailand for genuine adventure. While in a ramshackle hotel, Richard meets another traveler who leaves him the map to a hidden Island before slitting his own wrists. Wanting a risky opportunity, Richard takes the map and invites the French pair Francois (Virginie Ledoyen) and Ettiene (Guillaume Canet), along for the journey.

This hidden beach is every bit the idyllic paradise that all travelers dream of. Sal, played by Tilda Swinton, runs a compound that is a gen-x Swiss Family Robinson and for a while, everything is perfect. Although Francois and Richard briefly fall in love, the audience quickly learns that there's no such thing as paradise. In the film's final act, Richard becomes part savage as he begins living all his Vietnam fantasies and pretty soon young fans are treated to Leo playing war in the jungle. Sal decides she'd rather let injured persons die than risk her secret beach and this once heavenly spot becomes more like Hell.

DiCaprio tries hard and one can understand his attraction to the dark edge of Richard's character. Richard is a necessary change from "Titanic's" Jack Dawson but the transition looks better on paper. Even though he put on muscle, DiCaprio is still too fragile and boyish for Richard's savage side.

When the film takes its morbid turn, the audience is left with their mouths' agape and the earlier allusions to darkness are so botched that Richard's transformation into a commando is met only with laughter. He slithers around the jungle, eating bugs and carving pungee stakes like the heroes of his favorite Vietnam movies. In the book, all the war references are electric but under Boyle, none of it works.

It's difficult to discuss supporting characters because there's not much to say. Virginie Ledoyen as Francois exists merely to take off her clothes in a cheesy underwater love scene amidst sparkling algae. After the necessary T&A, she conveniently falls to the wayside. The character Etienne played by Guillaume Canet bickers constantly with Richard but the actor is mostly fighting the English language. The rest of the camp is comprised of hippie travelers, however their brief introductions aren't enough.

Since Richard is the only full character, the camaraderie, tension, and overall group dynamics are slight but never fully realized. Tilda Swinton is genuinely frightening in her twisted ways of preserving the beach but it's difficult to take her role seriously when nothing else is adding up.

DiCaprio makes an easy scapegoat but everyone deserves equal blame. John Hodge's screenplay delivers innumerable moments where viewers would rather turn away than watch the performers embarrass themselves. The movie is driven by Richard's voice over which reduces the insights of a backpacker to ineffective babble. Richard is always talking about the philosophy of travel but the audience is never listening.

At one time, Danny Boyle had a real talent with linking story and camerawork but here, all his creative ideas are done for the sake of showing off. The director doesn't balance the wavering tones and the novel's cool obsession with pop-culture, video games and Vietnam movies.

The viewer might find some redemption in Darius Khondji's ("Seven") cinematography, but a two-hour travelogue of Thailand can be rather tedious.

Anyone who has traveled would identify with the novel's perspective on adventure, but it is utterly ruined in its foray onto the big screen. "The Beach" is just one more failure in a long list of wasted adaptations. It's particularly discouraging to know that the Hollywood producers helped sacrifice the natural island landscape for this heap of a movie. Indeed, "The Beach" isn't worth the life of a single fish.

zero out of five shamrocks

• Paradise is lost in DiCaprio's 'Beach'
  
• Not-So-Royal 'Tempest' premieres tonight
  
• I was lucky, I recovered