To commit or not: holiday sparks the tough questions
Jacqueline Browder
In Vogue
It is upon us again. The candy, the carnations and the sentimental cards. Valentine's Day has arrived in South Bend — the perpetual holiday of loving, yearning and overall melancholy.
However, on this national day of affection and affliction, one question remains to be asked: has monogamy become the exception rather than the rule?
We are in college. We are supposed to date. A lot. We are supposed to be charming, articulate and potential mates to everyone we meet. Quite frankly, it's exhausting.
But in the hazy days of break-ups, make-ups and random hook-ups, people don't seem to be looking for commitment. We seem to be on the lookout for quite the opposite — something short, sweet and convenient.
Even while in relationships, we constantly second guess ourselves, wondering if we're doing the right thing, if we really want commitment.
We look over our shoulders, asking ourselves if there might be something better out there, something more. Basically, we're so busy seeking eligibility that we don't have the time for fidelity.
Can there possibly be one person out there with whom we can happily share the rest of our lives, or at least until spring break? Do we even want to?
With the possibilities brought on by dimly lit bar scenes and Natural Light at our fingertips, has monogamy become a rare and exceptional thing? Glancing in the door of a typical dorm party or two, it certainly seems to be the case — with the exception of one sugary, candy-coated day in February.
Welcome to Valentine's Day: the most celebrated, luminous and glossy promotion of commitment we have to offer. This is the day when we all want someone, anyone to adore us.
The once happily eligibles, the ones who scoffed at commitment, suddenly feel the need to have someone of the opposite sex in their life. Those already in committed relationships stop wondering if monogamy is worth it, and suddenly are perfectly happy to be in a relationship.
As a result, the holiday isn't only a skyrocketing day for Hallmark stock options, but the one day of the year when monogamy and commitment are commended.
However, once the chocolates are eaten, the flowers wilted and the cards recycled, are we any further along? It's almost as if we have to have our sexuality validated with a couple of Hershey Kisses.
This is hardly the case. The happily single shouldn't let a day change their perspective on the dating scene. It is, after all, just another holiday (like Arbor Day, but with candy.)
We complain that Valentine's Day makes us feel "more single," but so what? Being single is hardly a life-threatening condition — it's more of an opportunity than anything else.
You have the freedom to meet people, get to know them and, if you like, date them. It can be short, sweet and convenient, or something more. The beauty of the situation is that you can choose your own path with limited consequences.
For the committed, Valentine's Day shouldn't be the only day you're sure of your relationship. It is certainly easy to doubt yourself, questioning if you've chosen the right path, and if a relationship is right for you. However, if it's something that you both want, your hesitancy will all but disappear.
You don't need to rely on a holiday to verify your feelings. It's true that finding commitment may be an exceptional thing these days. But when you're with the right person, every day can be a holiday.
We can all celebrate Valentine's Day. Whether we're committed or single, the day will come and go relatively quickly. We'll continue down our respective paths, meeting and dating people along the way.
We will still have our own philosophies on love and dating — a holiday shouldn't change that. As long as we keep looking for more than what we have, maybe monogamy and commitment are too much to ask. However, if that something more, or someone right, comes along, they won't be.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Scene Stories for Wednesday, February 14, 2001
