Lecture addresses the battle of the sexes
By KATIE RAND
News Writer
Basically, men and women are different from each other.
That's the point Saint Mary's professor drilled home in an informal lecture called "He Said, She Said" Tuesday night in the Women's Resource Center. Ella Harmeyer, a nursing professor, said the differences boil down to communication.
"We process differently, and that's what often gets us in trouble," Harmeyer said. "When there's a problem, women like to hear themselves talk. We just want to vent."
That explains why women will typically go on for hours on end talking about their problems, analyzing everything and asking questions.
"On the other hand, men seem to come to terms with problems more so by retreating," Harmeyer said.
"They want to think it all through, compartmentalize it and then come out with a solution."
Gray says that from the very beginning men want to fix things, while women tend to look at a problem, list all possible solutions and then maul them over.
One phrase commonly used in communication books is that "women internalize, men externalize," Harmeyer said.
This difference has the potential to cause problems between the sexes since women are more vocal about their problems then their male counterparts.
Harmeyer suggested that this comes from men's fear of appearing weak.
Another common problem is the difference between listening and hearing. In this day and age listening is becoming a lost art, Harmeyer said.
"When we talk we're often going on to something else or doing two things at once, so we don't really hear what is being said," Harmeyer said. "We're wishing away today to get on to the next thing and not living in the present."
One other difference is that women often make assumptions about their relationships. Women assume that they're significant others will know how they feel before vocalizing it.
"Last time I checked extrasensory perception was not a gift that God gave men!" Harmeyer said.
She also said that people wrongly assume they can "fix" their significant others later, so they put problems on the back burner.
This misconception that behaviors will change as the relationship intensifies can lead to problems and disappointment.
"If he spends every Sunday watching football and drinking beer, why would you think he'll start going to the opera once you sign the marriage license?" Harmeyer said.
She suggested that women discuss their concerns openly with their partners before it is too late.
Harmeyer also quoted Dr. Phil from Oprah in her discussion about assumptions. Dr. Phil uses the example of taking out the trash to show the difference between how men and women think.
"For the guy, it's just something on his To Do list that he'll get to later," Harmeyer said.
"For us, when he does it, this shows how much he cares. We think that if he waits until tomorrow or doesn't do it at all that he must not care anymore."
Another problem that women bring on themselves is that they too often resort to negative self-talk, which men do not do as frequently.
For example, if a guy has not called after three days, the female immediately assumes there is something wrong with her and blames it on herself.
They never stop to think that maybe he had a good reason or that maybe it was his fault.
The discussion was sponsored by The Community Leadership Team, a group that started after last year's conference.
The group is trying to make the Women's Resource Center more visible on the Saint Mary's campus.
All News Stories for Wednesday, February 13, 2002
