Hi. My name is Mike, and I have a penis.

That's right folks. I have a penis, and I'm not afraid to say it.

But while most guys, including myself, will not shy away from admitting they have a penis, my own proclamation comes in light of several cultural celebrations of the male tool of copulation.

I point first to the Paul Thomas Anderson film, "Magnolia," in which Tom Cruise's character Frank T.J. Mackey screams to a roomful of oppressed men, "Respect the c—k!" Leading a seminar on the revitalization of the dominant male within American society, Mackey perhaps stated in those three words what men everywhere have wanted to say for years.

In last month's Student Film Festival, six auditoriums worth of men and women from the local community witnessed what was described as the one film bent upon unrepressing the taboo that is the penis. It was brutally effective, making (I assume) everyone cringe at the successive exhibition of 24 penises.

Indeed, the repression of the penis has ended.

The next step toward universal submission to the penis could be found in the literary special of Scholastic Magazine. Inside, one could find a very entertaining ode to the penis. But it wasn't just an ode to the penis. It was an ode to the wacky life the penis seems to live, without any input from its greater human component. It was an ode to the erection, and it rightfully placed the importance of the penis in the male's life high on the long list of life priorities.

Finally, last weekend marked the coming of the annual campus favorite, the Keenan Revue. In the show, there is always the threat of sexual innuendo that will surely include euphemisms for the male organ so many guys know so well. Rod. Happy stick. Johnson. Wang. Schlong. Boner. And many more.

So, my dear friends, what is my point?

We must embrace the penis, in all its greatness. We must understand the penis as more than a mere appendage given to one sex and not the other. We must look at the penis as a work of God. We must not simply see the penis as a means of physical pleasure. We must trust that the penis will guide us through the new millennium. It will bring peace and happiness to all.

To know the penis is to remember a long lost cousin. Well, that's not true, for the penis is perhaps, as the short story in Scholastic noted, man's dearest friend.

So I now declare, for the first time and for all times, the second week of February will be known as National Penis Appreciation Week.

Remember this day, everyone, for it will live and grow in the hearts and minds of man and woman alike throughout history.

Imagine, 50 years from now, when National Penis Appreciation Week is a yearly event, not just at Notre Dame, but around the world. Imagine the penis festivals held at campuses across America. Imagine the new American icon: the penis. No longer will we worship the dollar bill. No longer will we worship the television. We will worship the penis, in all its penile glory.

Remember the penis.

• The rise of phallocentrism