On Wednesday, I took my friend to the mall to find a Valentine's day present for her new boyfriend. As she browsed the aisles of heart-bedecked cards, sprinkled with the words "love" and "special someone," I sulked behind her, somewhat disappointed. I have no particular guy for whom to buy a box of message hearts.

Yet, after two and a half years at this school, I am not bitter. I do not take my "unattached" status as an insult to my womanhood or proof of my social-ineptness. I simply realize that here, sincere male-female relationships are a rare treasure and actual dating is practically non-existent.

Hardly a dining hall conversation passes without a lament from one of my friends, all female of course, about the terrible state of gender relations on campus. Most often, students blame the single sex dorms and parietals for the pitiful state of affairs. They say the administration continues these traditions in a backwards attempt to preserve the virtue of the students, to keep us — shall we say — from going over to the dark side.

I disagree. The problems of gender relations stem from a basic structural flaw in the campus community. On a fundamental level, the dating scene does not cater to the mentality of the typical Notre Dame student.

The typical student of this University operates according to definitive goals. He or she writes the to-do list each morning, details the precise steps to achieve an `A' and factors in each club activity according to its impact on his or her résumé. He or she appreciates order and stability. For him or her, relationships tend to be far too ambiguous.

If only, I thought as I stared at a mountain of Victoria's Secret Hot Mint Lips, there was some way to remove that ambiguity, to take the guesswork out of dating. If only there was some way to guarantee that an innocent encounter by a male and a female student would end in a relationship favorable to both, like a great résumé and a killer cover letter guarantee the attainment of the job of your dreams. I thought of the internship fair, a model of efficiency and order. For example, each booth at the career fair displayed colored balloons, denoting the type of position that they had available.

Furthermore, it brings the employers directly to the eager students. Students find out on the spot whether the company has something to offer them. If only dating could be this straightforward.

I have a proposal. (I hope that all student government candidates take notice.) I call it "The Relationship Expo."

First, I would like to list the things that "The Relationship Expo" is not:

1. A meat market. (This is after all one of the most prestigious universities in the United States.)

2. A wet T-shirt contest or beauty pageant. (Business casual attire will be required.)

3. A party. (No drinking prior to the event or excessive flirting will be tolerated. "The Relationship Expo" is a professional event. Violators will be asked to leave the premises.)

Now, I would like to unveil the mechanics of this event to be held at the JACC. First, women will run the booths. In keeping with tradition, men will approach prospective significant others. For their convenience, women will prominently display various colored balloons, which will specify the length and nature of the relationship desired. For example, red will denote seekers of high commitment relationships, who require contracts of one year or more. Pink will signify seekers of moderate commitment relationships with necessary contracts of three to twelve months. And finally, yellow will denote seekers of brief flings and sporadic hook-ups.

Secondly, men will be required to submit a résumé with the following information: an objectives statement that details relationship intentions and goals, a prior experience statement that outlines dating history (if applicable), three references and any additional interests or skills.

Finally I propose the establishment of a "relationship center" on the 18th floor of Flanner Hall to oversee the production of this event. To ensure the readiness of candidates, it will provide various workshops prior to the event including "How to Approach a Member of the Opposite Sex," "What to Wear: Style and Presentation" and "Writing the Résumé: Skills to Advertise and Skills to Omit."

Although I do not expect my plan to come to fruition during my tenure at this University, I have hope that one day, "The Relationship Expo," will favorably affect the status of gender relations on campus for future generations. But until then, I would like all potential candidates to know that I am currently accepting resumes, and I wish you all the best of luck.

Joanna Mikulsi is a junior English and German major. She would like to thank the girls without who this column would not have been possible. Her column appears every other Friday. Contact Joanna Mikulski at mikulski.1@nd.edu.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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