You too can be a rock star
Amy Schill
Dazed and Amuzed
We all have different academic interests, but whether we study Arabic or Anthropology, English or Engineering, follow our intellectual calling or prostitute ourselves to the College of Business (you know who you are), when it comes right down to it, we all want to be rock stars. Well, maybe not rock stars, but music stars.
We want to perform at the Super Bowl, trash hotel rooms, fade into obscurity and die alone. Why? Because everyone likes music and music stars feed our hunger for melody and rhythm, actually get paid for doing it and get a little sumpin' sumpin' on the side, you-know-what-I'm-sayin'? Well, now all our dreams can come true. I've come across some want ads for the music industry, covering almost all genres. Keep reading to find the perfect job for your musical interest.
Career track #1: Rap
Position: Auxiliary rapper for major rap star. Behind every Snoop Dogg or Jay Z, there are several guys who went to high school with him and now live in his guest house. Now you can be one of those guys, Shorty.
Qualifications: Must be able to simultaneously wave hand in the air and shout "wah, wah, yeeah."
May also on occasion need to repeat the last word of any phrase the rapper may speak. Should be able to lift heavy objects, such as the rapper's belongings and ego. Must be generally able to `represent.' Inferiority complex a plus. Women are encouraged to apply; every posse needs a ho or two.
Career track #2: Pop
Position: Singer/dancer for new boy band. Think the pop world is saturated with effeminate performers? So do we, but luckily adolescent girls aren't very bright.
Qualifications: Must be willing to stand in the background while one or two other members do the actual singing. Must have enough self-esteem to appear to be an actual musician when you know you are little more than a childhood Star Search reject. Talent optional. Those who can sing in more than one key need not apply.
Position: Teenage female pop star
Qualifications: Good enough looks to distract fans from your inability to perform live. No shame necessary. Training and breast implants provided.
Career track #3: Latin
Position: Latino `supastar.' The Latin heat have may be cooling off, but a fresh face like you could be the next hot tamale! Qualifications: Must be able to exploit cultural heritage for a buck and reduce the entire Spanish language to the word corazón. Ambiguous sexual orientation a plus; tight bon bon a must.
Career track #4: Rock
Position: Rock star. Looking for young musicians for a band that will be idolized for its artistic integrity and political relevance, then eventually sell out and produce countless disappointing albums. Must be able to play instrument and/or sing while high on four out of the top five leading recreational drugs. Pretension helpful. Leather jackets, sunglasses and complete separation from reality provided.
And it goes on from there. Other jobs included the ritalin-deprived punk drummer, the shameless Eddie Vedder imitator and Lionel Ritchie. So if you're ready to rock, if you think you have what it takes to either burnout by 20 or perform until no one cares, e-mail your resume to soon2B@hasbeen.com. As for me, I think I'll just become a supermodel.
Amy Schill is a sophomore Arts and Letters major. Her column appears every other Thursday.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Thursday, February 8, 2001
