What happened to the value of family?
Laura Antkowiak
One of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me came from someone I had considered one of my closest friends. She was frustrated by my inability to pay for many of the things she thought we should buy for our room. My family could have made some better choices so I could afford more things, she told me. It was my parents' fault for having so many children.
The comment stung. I do not remember how I replied, as I have tried to forget the exchange. But I know what I would tell her now. I have six younger brothers and sisters, and I would not go through life without a single one of them for any amount of money, much less new lofts and couches.
It used to be that my friends seemed somewhat envious of my family. I always had someone to play with, and most neighborhood activity revolved around my house. Every few years, I got to hold and cuddle a new baby. Long after I stopped believing in Santa Claus, children in my house still keep the magic of Christmas alive.
But with increasing frequency, I have encountered more negative reactions to my family life. My peers wonder how I tolerate the noise, how I survive on breaks without my own room, how I got by without some luxuries they enjoyed. The response I now hear more often is an emphatic, "That's why I believe in birth control."
This saddens me; to think that we need to keep the birth of children under "control," like termites or mosquitoes, sounds so wrong. Yet to many of my peers, my parents are the backward ones. They are behind the times because they won't use technology to control the size of our family. They are therefore financially and socially irresponsible. I am planning a career in public policy, and sectionmates have asked me how I intend to do so if I am popping out a baby every year or two. They have told me they pity the 20 children I am sure to have because they will grow up poor in a crowded house with a busy mother.
Granted, big families might not be for everyone. But God really does know what is best for us, and He has a way of working things out. Of course we need to be responsible ourselves about when we have sex and how we view it. We are rapidly losing respect for the procreative aspect of sex.
I have learned a lot from my sectionmates in Lewis 2-South. According to them, sex is fun but children and pregnancy definitely are not. Pregnancy will ruin their bodies, and children will thwart their fun and their careers. The women of whom I speak share an obsession — or at least a fascination — with "getting some." This growing cultural selfishness is a significant obstacle to rekindling healthy attitudes about sex and the family. So when this kind of "giving" is so clearly undesirable, why would anyone want to undertake the self-sacrifice demanded by bearing and raising a child, much less seven of them?
At one point, I looked down upon my stay-at-home mother. I saw her as the antithesis of the modern woman. She wasted many of her talents, and her obvious delight in serving her family often bordered on the embarrassing. I have since matured and developed a more understanding relationship with my mother, one that leaves me admiring her as nothing short of a goddess or a saint. She, along with my father, has done an absolutely amazing job raising my siblings and me and keeping our home in order. She has displayed selflessness that I once thought beyond my capacity.
Could I one day put all my plans and my own pleasure on hold to go through a pregnancy and raise a child? My culture tells me I am crazy to say yes. But if God wills it, I know now that I will find this strength. It may be one of the most important things I ever do.
But I'll need help — we all will. We need responsible fathers. Employers must offer more generous maternity and family leave policies. Our community, with resources and rhetoric, needs to support motherhood as something honorable, not a curse women must grudgingly bear.
Being from a big family definitely has its drawbacks. People gawk when all nine of us walk into church or a restaurant together. Janine rarely returns the clothes she borrows from me. While I tried to sleep through one car trip, Renee kept swatting my head, insisting, "I know you're awake!" When I was a child, I never went skiing or to Disney World. I wore hand-me-down clothes. I didn't have cable or many expensive toys, but I do have happy memories of playing with He-Man action figures with my brother Chris, or soccer in our Baltimore City alley with the neighborhood kids, or dancing around the living room with my parents to their favorite 1970s records. And I know what it's like to have Brian and Meghan fling themselves at me in the Baltimore airport, or to have Michelle climb into my bed at 4 a.m. and cling to my arm, whimpering that she is afraid of the dark.
Is this backwards? Is it contrary to all your ideas about what personal fulfillment should involve? It's hard to believe that family bonds can become outmoded so quickly, and one day we all may know how sweet it is. As fun as making babies may be, we all know that big families are a lot about working and about giving, not all about "getting some." At least, not that three-letter word that we like to get, but something else. Something better.
Laura Antkowiak is a senior government major and co-president of ND Right to Life. The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Tuesday, February 8, 2000
