Desperate times call for desperate measures
Joe Larson
The Principles of Idiocracy
Last year, at this same time, I wrote a column explaining a theory about a way to get through the doldrums with the least depression possible. The idea was to drink a lot and get yourself a significant other to drink with. That way, just when you are about to embarrass yourself, your special buddy steps in and curbs your attention towards them. This is a beautiful theory and I think pretty much successful on all grounds if you actually pull it off properly.
So, with this theory in mind and good old Valentine's Day coming up, I've decided to attempt to compile a few strategies for obtaining this other person who is going to make life so much better during the doldrums part of the year, whom we'll call the target.
Also, these strategies are best carried out in a bar or party situation where, preferably, you and the target have been drinking and the room is kind of dark. I find that this setting is best for starting to get to know someone. That way, they think you're really interesting and they can't really see what you look like. With that said, let's do this.
Your first and best strategy for landing the target of your choice is called "The Battering Ram." This strategy includes you blatantly stating your intentions from the beginning. I know this sounds preposterous, but it might just be crazy enough to work. I mean, granted, if you're a hunchback toad and you think the target of your affections would most likely vomit at the idea of hooking up with you, then don't try this one, but if that is the situation, then you're probably chasing the wrong rabbit in the first place.
The beauty of this strategy is that it preys on the tendency of college students to be really lazy. You know, we're busy with school and school-related activities — drinking — so most of us don't have the time to institute a plan to acquire the desired target, so if you give this person the guarantee, they may accept just because of the absence of the tedious leg work that usually accompanies starting to date someone.
I know this is pretty shallow, but sometimes people decide to date other people simply because they know the other person already wants to date them. If your target tends to tread the path of least resistance, this could very potentially be an extremely affective strategy. Now if overly forceful, "The Battering Ram" strategy could result in an embarrassing restraining order, but these are the chances one takes when dabbling in the intricacies of pulling tail.
If you don't have the pills for a stunt like "The Battering Ram," perhaps a more subtle strategy is your best approach. One good one is "The Vulture." This includes you circling the target in social situations watching and waiting for the best time to swoop in and engage in witty and sophisticated conversation with them.
Here, a high alcohol contingent is key. First because if you don't have the audacity to try "The Battering Ram," you're going to need alcohol to make any progress whatsoever. Also, your target's defenses will be weakened by the effects of alcohol, leaving them all the more susceptible to a successful advance from you.
If they're all banged up, they won't notice you watching them or walking circles around them. That's important as you do not want to be detected early when using "The Vulture." Again, this rises the restraining order concern. And frankly, in order for a successful operation, that is a worry you do not need.
Anyway, after you see the perfect swooping opportunity, just count on your drunken game to take you the rest of the way. If you're worried about not having any game, don't worry, because you and the target will be inebriated and game is really not necessary. Just make sure you don't fall down.
The third strategy is my least favorite and frankly, it annoys me that it has ever worked on anyone ever, but for some ungodly reason, this strategy seems to be universal. You all know this one, and if your game is so bad that you have to use it, well, I feel sorry for you. May God have mercy on your soul. This is the "My House Burned Down" approach.
Of course, this is where you attempt to garner sympathy from someone by whining to them as if your house had just burned down. This act is orchestrated in hopes that the target of this pathetic display feels so bad for you that they want to make everything better by giving of themselves.
For this to work, the target must be a very good person, probably Mother Teresa or Santa Claus, and they must also be the most gullible person on the face of the planet. So if you want to date a nun or a piece of folklore, you're in luck, but otherwise please don't use that strategy. It's embarrassing for yourself, your family and your institution of learning.
So there you have it. Three ways to try and hook yourselves up for Valentine's Day and improve probably the most depressing month of your life in South Bend. I know this may seem a bit rash, but look outside and think about it for minute, because desperate times call for desperate measures.
Joe Larson is a senior English and History major. He wants to remind you that he is not going to accept responsibility for any of these strategies failing, but will accept full responsibility if they work. Also, if they work, he wants to know how and if you have superpowers. His column appears every other Wednesday. He can be reached at larson.13@nd.edu.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, February 6, 2002
