I have high standards. They shouldn't be too long, but they definitely shouldn't be too short. I've had some good, memorable ones, and some that were just miserable experiences that I couldn't wait to get to the end of.

You can't have them every weekend or you would get much too tired. I've come close, but I've never experienced one that I would give a score of a perfect 10.

Road trips, that is. Sometimes, you gotta bust out.

The elements of a good road trip:

1. A Good Shotgun Rider. Compared to shotgun, back seat riders are virtually invisible. They are the parasites in the road trip food chain, poking their necks between the front seats between naps.

The basic duties of toll money finding, CD changing, snack opening, and "can we get over?" begging can give the shotgunner a solid score.

But for a perfect 10, major navigation through ghettos and never being wrong when answering distraught "stay on or get off? what does that sign SAY?" spaz-ish question attacks from the driver are also required.

2. Music. Regardless of any ska or techno tendencies of any or all of the road trippers, "Free Fallin," "American Pie," and "Tiny Dancer" make even the most machisimo road trippers go all Thelma-and-Louise-ish, and yet mellow at the very same time. Rap songs from Office Space may be interspersed if the driver is in a slump.

Since you are road-tripping from Notre Dame, the entire U2 Greatest Hits album will by uncontrollable magnetic force begin to play after 2.6 hours. Do not, I repeat, do NOT play the radio in the rectangle states. Back seaters can gain some respect by making a mix CD.

3. The Destination. The actual destination of the road trip is important only because it influences the mood of the road trippers themselves. My in-depth research has shown that cars full of kids on their way to meet friends, or friends-of-friends who will lead them to out-of-state beer are 57.8 percent happier than any other road trippers.

4. The Speed. The faster the better, though finding the balance of cop-avoidance and deliverance from those rectangle states is crucial. This balance does not actually exist.

5.The Flow. No, not that kind of flow, although well-timed stops at rest stops where you stumble in squinting at the array of beef jerky and mullets this nation offers are an important part of a high scoring road trip.

The flow is the deep, philosophical conversations about what it must be like to live in Podunkville, amazing speeding ticket avoidance adventure story times, and how cool it would be to have a nice car. Like, whoa.

It has also been scientifically proven that observations of University absurdities increase exponentially as the distance from South Bend increases.

6. The Stories. Though this is technically not part of the road trip itself, it is its most valuable result. When explaining details to those who have not even attempted the perfect road trip, always exaggerate.

• The perfect road trip