Paper versus procrastination
Josh Kirley
Swift's Confederate
Ever woken up at 11:30 and had a Philosophy paper due at 1? You sprint over to the cluster. Winded. Smelly. Hung-over. You start by being distracted by the hot girl on the computer across from you, laughing at her computer just so you know that her friends write the funniest e-mails ever. If you have, your internal monologue may have gone something like this.
"OK. Find a short question with a simple answer. That will give me the momentum I need to get through this bit of busy work. Here we are, No. 5. Short and sweet. What is holistic about `anomalous monism?' OK. Six words in the question, I know three of them. If I walk back to my room for a dictionary, I won't be able to get a computer when I get back. Will you look at those pathetic wannabes eyeing this one? Like they'd slit my throat to get on this computer, just to check their e-mail. No respect for academia. Scavengers! It's probably best that I do the questions in order anyway. They probably build on each other. Noon. One hour `til class, seven questions left. That's roughly eight minutes per question, allowing time to print this out, which irresponsibly assumes I'll find a printer that works, and time to walk to class, that's about seven minutes per question.
Must work. OK, just seven questions, answered in essay form. Let's go, pump `em out. No. 1. Does a Functionalist account of mind imply that, at least in principle, robots or computers which are "functionally isomorphic" with a human's mental life, ipso facto must be said to have real minds? OK, No. 2, then.
No. Get serious. Read the question; break it up into smaller parts. I bet it's a trick question anyway. Why am I in this class? I'm a business major. I have no interest in philosophy. When will I ever use this? Doesn't this professor know that I'm only in here because it's required? I bet he doesn't even care. They never care.
I bet I can list 20 reasons to not do this assignment. I think I will. I've already thought of at least five, the first of which, being that the professor is unsympathetic. Man, if I'd been writing the reasons out as I thought of them, I wouldn't be wasting this time now. Need better time management. Wow, 12:10. I've been working on this thing for almost 15 minutes. Doogie said I didn't have the focus to work on an assignment for 10 straight minutes. I proved him wrong four minutes ago. I think I'll e-mail him right now just to rub it in his face. Hey, I have new mail. Wow. Three new messages. And ... all from my parents. `What?! How can I still I owe my dad $20.' That's like 10 beers. I don't have that kind of money … to spend … on debts. Why is it that cognitively, beer is my standard unit of currency? Always used in price comparison or deciding whether or not I can afford something. Well, only 40 minutes `til class. It's crunch time. Man, college is stressful.
Hey, there's that blue-haired kid from my class. He's e-mailing too, there's no way he'll finish this on time. At least, I won't be the only one. If he's trying to express his individuality with that look, why does he have a blue hair-do and tattered clothes identical to that of all his friends? Collective individuality. Quite daring. Hey, maybe I can work that into the answers of one of these questions. Dang. He's printing out his paper. Over-achieving freak! All right, can't be shown up by him. Use him as inspiration. Freak is my muse.
Back to work. How can this guy expect us to answer seven poorly worded questions in just 40 minutes? ... Without having read the essay or gone to the lectures, no less. Is this guy mad? Slave driver. He gives us more work than I get in my real classes. It is absolutely impossible to give this assignment its due attention and complete it in the time allotted. I need an extension. I'll go to him before class and get an extension. No, too desperate. I'll run to his office. No, he'll give me some dribble like, `I assigned this two weeks ago and you're coming to me now.' With a condescending emphasis on the now. That's another thing. The instructors know we or I, don't start the assignment `til the day it's due. Yet, they insist on telling us about it weeks in advance. Only, so they can rub it in our faces when we don't get it done. Conspiracy is what that is. That's another reason to not even bother. I'm a conscientious objector. Civil disobedience in the face of this academic machine. Now, there's an essay. They should give no more than one day's notice of an assignment before the day it is due. If for no other reason than to put all students on the same, equal, competitive level ... with me. I think I'll propose that to Monk. I'll e-mail it to him now ... That's it! I'll e-mail my professor a request for an extension. Yeah, and I'll set back the date on this computer. How do you do that? Will it work? What if he's checked his mail recently? Can e-mail get lost in the e-mail? Who cares? I'll say `but didn't you get my e-mail?' He'll return to find it waiting for him at his office, feel stupid, be apologetic and give me an extension, with bonus. Pure genius. Hell, if I'm backdating it, assuming that's possible, I've got plenty of time to write that letter. Time to make out that list. Even more time to do that assignment. I won't even go to class. I'm just gonna sit here and play Minesweeper, guilt free. Just to piss off those scavengers in line. Yeah, just chill. Maybe do a little e-mail. Wow, I've been working on this assignment for almost an hour. Deal with that, Doogie.
Joshua Kirley is a member of the class of '99. He currently lives and teaches in Cape Coral, Fla. He can be reached at MrKirley@aol.com.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Monday, February 5, 2001
