Bradley and McCain bring on the fat!
Jeffery Langan
Now that the primary season is beginning, the two candidates of ideas, Bill Bradley and John McCain, have decided to meet later this week to unveil their plan to revolutionize America: The Fat Tax.
These candidates will propose the Fat Tax as a way of solving many vexing problems in American politics. McCain and Bradley figure that now that we have villified tobacco, it is time for the federal government to take tougher measures to improve the health of the American people in general. First, let's look at the proposal. Then, we'll see the benefits.
After McCain's and Bradley's joint appearance to push campaign finance reform, they were having coffee and the conversation got around to taxes.
"Why not," McCain mused, "drop the L from flat. That will give us fat. You add the word tax, and you get the Fat Tax." "A Brilliant idea!" Bradley retorted. "People could pay a tax based on the amount of extra fat they carry around with them. They could also get write-offs by meeting national fat requirements." They began chanting: "The enemy is fat. The answer is tax. Forget about tobacco. Declare war on fat!" This, they both agreed, was what the American people really wanted.
First, it would expand the government's power to show how much it cares for the health of the American people. It would be no problem extending the government's regulatory control over health now that the people had let it heavily regulate tobacco companies. The government could begin suing companies that put too much fat in their food. They could tax foods that are high in fat. They could come up with studies that show how fat is one of the greatest killers of all time. Being good Puritans, we could all glare and look down our noses at people who, like smokers, violate our sensibilities about health.
Secondly, it would make Republicans happy. The party that is against big government, would have a way to show its zeal with deeds. The Fat Tax would let people really put their money where there mouth is. People would pay less taxes if they weighed less. Therefore, Republicans who hate big government could get rid of big government by getting rid of their big bodies. Others, who liked big government, could stay big or get big. You could pay taxes based on how fat you wanted to be. This could do wonders for party re-alignment.
Thirdly, the Fat Tax would make Democrats happy by increasing jobs dependent on the government. In order to meet national fat regulations, people would have to go to doctors to get a fat test sometime during tax season. We take our cars in for emissions tests, why not take our bodies in for fat tests. In the process of getting a fat test, the American people could get their yearly check-up. It would be a way of putting into effect the old adage that prevention is the best medicine.
The purpose of these visits would be twofold. It would give accountants an individual's fat reading, allowing them to calculate the proper tax rate for each individual. It would also allow doctors to give special tax exemptions to people who were fat through no fault of their own, establishing their status as victims in the tax code. Nonetheless, over the years, even these people would have to show improvement in their diet. Thus, the new Fat Tax would add governmental jobs for surveying and administering the new tax code.
Of course, this might lead the American people to adopt the dieting habits of wrestlers. Wrestlers will go on incredible starvation diets to make weight. Every March and April there might be vast increases in the amount of people going on crash diets and exercising for hours on end at local health clubs instead of looking at themselves in the mirror, but that is a risk worth taking. But this also might have its benefits.
Doctors might see an incredible rise in the number of liposuctions performed during that time of year. The government could also start the equivalent of a model cities program for communities that met the Fat Tax requirements. They could call it the "People In Good Shape" program. The government could siphon millions of dollars to those communities that showed improvement in their fat readings.
The Fat Tax would be a great source of raising revenues to pay for Healthcare. Everyone is concerned about the future cost of health care. The Fat Tax would make people contribute financially to resolving that crisis by making them pay for their culpability in bringing on that crisis. The money raised for the Fat Tax would go to the cost it took to care for people who developed problems related to fat.
Finally, the Fat Tax would be in accord the concern that the American people show for their health. With all the diet books, health club memberships and diet programs Americans regularly go on, McCain and Bradley figured that they needed some real enforcement mechanisms to really make these diets work.
Jeffery Langan is a professor in the government department.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Thursday, February 3, 2000
