Has anybody seen these horoscopes lately? I have yet to see one of my horoscopes actually be useful or true, rather than the obvious, boring events that happen in everyone's life, every day. I will have an argument with someone today? She must be psychic! It's like Eugenia Last dug through a pack of fortune cookies and ate her way into being an astrologer. My advice for you is that you skip all together the horoscopes for today, and take to heart what the stars are really saying for you. Don't worry, I went outside and checked. What follows is what was seen to be the events for today, January 31, 2002.

Aries — You will find that no one in your Philosophy class appreciated your rendition of the Hall & Oates hit "Maneater." Consider sitting in the back from now on.

Taurus — You are supremely disappointed when you discover that jotting down the equation "Steak & Shake = Delicious" netted you zero points on your organic chemistry exam.

Gemini — Lunacy occurs when a situation similar to the Spanish Inquisition occurs, except that the Spaniards are dressed like clowns and are handing out balloon animals rather than executions.

Cancer — If there's one thing that should be admired, it's courage. Wait, not admired, liked. And not courage, Taco Bell.

Leo — In a shocking turn of events, you will find that nothing pleases the opposite sex more than a well-timed bout of flatulence.

Virgo — Although they are in short supply, virgins are preferred to promiscuous youths almost 4 to 1 by professional volcanoes.

Libra — Now that your nacho influx has reached 47 kilopascals, you find yourself in a Zen-like state, except that you are surrounded by singing, dancing cans of Spam.

Scorpio — Disease occurs as you gorge yourself on a turkey sandwich from the dining hall along with a bag of medical waste. Don't worry, something had to have been wrong with that turkey.

Sagittarius — Life slaps you in the face yet again when you discover that you have spent more time in the bathroom in the past week than looking for a job after graduation.

Capricorn — The smell coming from your roommate's wardrobe is nothing to be concerned about. Just make sure that you help him or her get rid of the body before room inspection.

Aquarius — New relationships ensue as you clumsily enter class, a little bit late. Henceforth, you will be known as "That jerk that tripped over my bag" to your many fans.

Pisces — Strangely, you find yourself contemplating rather or not a kumquat belongs in the tuber family as you eat your 400th career tater-tot. Try to keep your mind in the present, man.

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