To those of you who constantly felt that William Jefferson Clinton was the dogged victim of a "vast right-wing conspiracy," the events of Slick Willy's final days in office should serve as a wake-up call. They come as no surprise to those of us who already knew he was a moral bottom-feeder.

Outgoing presidential staffs often play practical jokes on the new West Wing residents, but Clinton's crew took the next step. In addition to defacing the W keys on 40 White House keyboards, phone lines were cut or misdirected to other government offices, pornographic images were inserted randomly into copy machines, desks were overturned and filing cabinets were glued shut.

Even though it was no longer his aircraft, Clinton borrowed Air Force One to take him "home" to New York in style. It returned to Andrews Air Force Base nearly picked clean, with presidential seal-marked porcelain dishes, silverware, salt and pepper shakers, pillows, blankets, candies — even toothpaste — pilfered from the plane. The seats might have been taken if they weren't bolted to the floor.

They also shook down Democratic fat-cat donors for more than $200,000 in housewarming gifts cleverly timed before Hillary took her Senatorial oath of office and therefore came under more restrictions for donations. One of the most generous suppliers of the Clinton's gift registry was Denise Rich, whose ex-husband, Marc Rich, skipped the country in 1983 after being indicted for tax evasion and making an illegal oil deal with Iran. He, somehow not surprisingly, received one of Clinton's 176 last-second presidential pardons. (Can we say "quid pro quo"?)

Clinton also sealed outstanding legal cases shut, most notably by cutting a sweetheart deal with Independent Counsel Robert Ray that would be called "a slap on the wrist" except slaps on the wrist are at least temporarily painful.

The Janet Reno Justice Department brokered a similarly favorable arrangement for Indonesian billionaire James Riady, the foreign national who orchestrated the millions of dollars of illegal campaign contributions with which Clinton used to help him win reelection in 1996.

He was a busy man, but he found time along the way to criticize the election process that put the son of the man Clinton vanquished in 1992 into the White House and sent his vice president to Columbia University.

According to Clinton, George W. Bush won Florida because Republicans "stopped the voting." Not the counting, the voting.

His final self-reflection on his administration: He had fun. And he wishes that the 22nd Amendment was altered so he could have another go-round.

God help us all.

Clinton's actions on the way out only reinforce the truism that he was in office to serve not the American people, but Bill Clinton. Originally, Clinton performed all of his actions to get reelected. Then it was to stay in office. Then it was to build a legacy. Under the Clinton regime, rules of decorum and campaigning — even the Constitution — were bent to his will. A president didn't leave office, a king abdicated his throne.

Let us examine the havoc King Clinton and his cronies have wrought, in semi-chronological order: A huge tax increase in 1993. The attempt to nationalize one-seventh of the U.S. economy; a gutted military which is spread all over the world in areas where they don't belong; the "war room," normally only used during campaigns, as a day-to-day operation; smear campaigns which helped destroy the careers of Billy Dale, Newt Gingrich, Ken Starr, Linda Tripp and many others; the use of the Internal Revenue Service to harass political enemies; 900 FBI files which weren't an enemies' list, but a "bureaucratic snafu;" the acceptance of stonewalling, perjury and "the politics of personal destruction;" nuclear secrets traded to and/or stolen by China; "putting the Lincoln Bedroom up to the highest bidder; commencing bombing missions against Iraq and Serbia in an attempt to push personal indiscretions off the front page; issuing executive orders and presidential prerogative to avoid testifying before a grand jury; ABC News putting a warning of sexual content on the screen when he finally did testify. Add to it the outright theft of items from Air Force One and the White House and the destruction of others.

Bill Clinton left office without enacting one piece of meaningful legislation by himself. He was bullied into signing welfare reform (after vetoing it twice) and six other maxims in the Contract With America. Most of his pet projects, like "100,000 new cops on the streets," have either not panned out or have been ineffective. And all of the things on which Al Gore based his campaign — Social Security reform, education reform, Medicare reform — could and should have been completed in eight golden years of prosperity.

Speaking of that prosperity, Clinton had as much to do with it as he does for the weather in South Bend. He was just lucky enough to be in charge when the e-conomy/dot.conomy boomed. He did nothing except enjoy the ride. He didn't cut taxes to fuel the economy or to give the surplus back to the American people.

And now that apparently the ride has ended, he has no choice but hope that everyone believes that the slowdown/recession is the fault of the new administration. As George W. Bush himself said, "The path of least resistance is always downhill."

Bill Clinton's legacy will be a slowing economy, the most unethical administration in history and a blue dress with a stain on it (kind of metaphoric, ain't it?). So, goodbye, Mr. Clinton, good riddance, and thanks for nothing. Glad you had fun.

Mike Marchand is a senior English major who feels he has just wasted a column on the most irrelevant president since Grover Cleveland. His column appears every other Monday and his e-mail address is Marchand.3 @nd.edu. Have at him.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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