If you're actually reading this, you've undoubtedly seen the flamboyant campaign implemented by the Office of Alcohol and Drug Ignorance with the slogan "When does 3/4 = 28%?" You've also probably wondered what kind of idiotic decision it was to run them a whole month without an answer. While I can't answer why it's taken this long to come out with the answer (though I suspect coordinating the Boat Club bust with the sheriff might have had something to do with it), the answer to the actual riddle is that 3/4 of the student body drinks only 28 percent of the alcohol consumed by said body. Personally, I had it pegged as 3/4 of the alcohol is drank by 28 percent of the student body, but you don't need to be a math whiz to realize the numbers work out to be essentially the same. I just happened to see the uglier side of the same argument, something they apparently either didn't fathom or didn't care about.

So back to the dirty converse: 72 percent of the alcohol is consumed by 1/4 of the student body. Doesn't that still constitute one heck of a major problem (at least it should to the people making these ads, right?)? I guess they didn't take that into account when they came up with this fun fact. This is like telling people to look on the bright side of a train wreck just because not everybody died. What this ultimately boils down to is the administration using BS in a pathetic attempt to curb drinking. As if taking our hard alcohol and tailgating privileges away on top of banning in-dorm dances wasn't enough, now we have to listen to this drivel trying to convince people that it's just a small minority of the student body who drink more than a beer and laying a guilt trip on those who drink more. These are your tuition dollars hard at work. Pardon me for being unimpressed, especially since I'm getting shafted for another 4.9% more than last year. My estimates (which have been correlated with reliable sources) put the cost of the campaign at around $10,000 thus far, before starting to tell us the answer. Money well spent, if you're a Sobriety Nazi.

The fun doesn't stop here, though. These stats were compiled with what our esteemed President Bush would call "fuzzy math." According to the OADE, these stats were amassed from the CORE and NORM surveys (something they haven't admitted to everyone yet), which I'm sure were filled out with 100 percent honesty. In other words, this stat might hold true for the sophomore Arts and Letters class (and whoever the NORM surveys count, which I really don't know). This makes the numbers irrelevant for the entire student body at best and downright fraudulent at worst.

Why is it that I suddenly wish for a return of the days when they simply told us that our livers would rot if we didn't all die from drunk driving accidents or STDs accumulated under the influence? That being said, my birthday's this week, so if you see me, congratulate me for surviving 22 years and throw back a pint with me.

• The answer to 3/4 = 28%